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Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Don't lose Sight
Don't lose sight of the fact that everything you feel, especially in your twisted, irrational state, means nothing compared to the security and stability and safety and happiness of your girls. And the example you set for them. Choose happiness and contentment. Overcome your feelings. Be stronger than the hormones that rage and the fears that plague you. What you feel in this moment means nothing in the big picture of who you want to be. Choose to overcome. With each word that rises to the surface, see the faces of your daughters, longing for peace. Choose peace. Choose to lay down even the strongest feeling - it only seeks to destroy you. You cannot trust your mind or your soul in this time. You have no choice but to trust those that are around you. You must do this.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Disclaimer:
I DO not shirk responsibility for my vile actions. I am spending $125 a week to see a counselor, trying to stem my irrational responses and not punish my family for my pain. Lest my audience think any of my behavior is justified in my mind or excuseable. I know I am solely accountable for my actions and words. I am not proud of the person I have become.
Beginning at the end.
I am starting this blog in the greatest hope that I will look back one year from now and weep tears of relief. For those of you that know me, some of the back history will be redundant. Some who knew me ten years ago might hardly recognize me today. I have struggled with where to start my story, and being overwhelmed, I feel like the end that I have found myself at is as good a place as any to begin.
I am 34 years old. I feel like I am 50. I have had four healthy children, no miscarriages (for which I am always grateful) no C sections or other major obstacles. Until a little more than 8 years ago, I was an active, healthy, energetic mom, with my share of emotional turmoil resultant from a crappy marriag, too many kids too soon and a decade in a cult, but nonetheless, my complaints were minor.
Today, I am 4o pounds heavier than my constant weight (after every baby). I have been "diagnosed" with IBS, depression, adenomyosis, ovarian cysts, pelvic inflammatory disease and a myriad of other little nuisance issues. My once clear face has become scarred with several years of battling acne. My hair falls out in handfulls. I am bloated most days to the point that I have a numbeer of comebacks prepared for the inevitable questions sbout my baby's due date. Every month, worsening consistently over the last 8 years, I deal with an 8-10 day hell of excruciating pain, excessive bleeding and unbearable moodiness. During ovulation I can look forward to the same moodiness and horrifying pain. I am exhausted beyond words. I am physically, emotionally and psychologically drained. I have become a monster to my family. I have destroyed countless relationships and continue to wreak havoc even when I know that very word coming out of my mouth is irrational. I took Prozac for two years after the end of a long term relationship, and while it muted all of my other emotions, for the first time in years I felt as if I could chose my responses to things in my life. I have been off of Prozac for over a year and a half and feel more out of control and helpless with my emotional responses that ever before. Beginning last October, a stabbing pain settled in to my lower left abdomen, right about where my ovary might be. The pain has steadily increased over the months, driving me (uninsured) to the ER for a wasted $8000 in bills and no diagnosis other than "see some sort of a specialist". The ER doc couldn't even pin down what kind of a specialist I needed to see, maybe a shrink? The gynecologist says it's "just" my adenoymosis (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/Adenomyosis/DS00636), which of course can be excruciating, gets worse over time, oh, yeah, and has a MUCH higher incidence in women with tubaligations. At this point, I get out of bed in the AM with my pain level being at about a 2/10. I am trying to stay off of pain meds (since I am sure the have wreaked their own havoc) during the day, but after a nine hour work day I come home, make dinner, and by 6:30 pm I usually hit about an 8/10. Out come the drugs, wine, heat packs, sleeping pills, threats to kick my poor bewildered husband out, early bedtimes for kids and any other fight I can pick to avoid the hot, serrated blade in my lower abdomen. This is EVERY night right now. I notice an evening of relief. It is beautiful. It usually shows up after three whiskey sours and two hydro codone. Josh likes those nights.
It is hard for me to reconcile blaming all of these changes on one small procedure, and yet, after attempting countless elimination diets, excersize regimes, medications, diagnostic procedures, I have yet to nail down why and how my body has gone to hell. Obviously I have jumped through the requisite hoops of repenting to god and accepting my plight as consequence for my evil life, but I have found once again that even when I behave well the consequences increase. I don't know why I thought that would work this time. Desperation I guess.
After many years of sucking it up, taking pain meds, going to work very day because I had no choice, raising four girls mostly on my own and becoming exhausted and bitter, I guess my family heard my cries (or insolent demands) for help and started seeking answers on my behalf. Finally I am too tired to protest and have to agree that all of the things I read about Post Tubaligation Syndrome are too coincidental to ignore. Testimony after testimony from women who have gone through the same hell, sometimes worse. The day after Aspen was born, I had a Tubaligation. I was assured that there were no side effects, and even when I went to my doctor within the first year after because my metabolism had tanked and mya face ws breaking out, he said that Tubaligation cannot be the cause for any of it, and my hormones must have changed after my last baby. Who was I to argue?
I cannot say with confidence that my tubal is to blame for any or all of this hell, but I intend to find out. Thanks to my devoted mother (and sister) who have all but made the decision for me, I am scheduled for a tubal reversal on April 4th, 2012. I am excited. If the reversal cuts the pain in half, or stabilizes my crazy ridiculous mood swings before I get divorced agin, it will be worth every penny (right, mom?).
I will keep a personal diary of my symptoms to track the results, because if there is something to this, and I get my body back, The Tubaligation industry has won a new enemy and I will share my story. God willing.
I am including links to some of the stories that my Mom found, and while the cynic in me is still reticent, the desperate hopeful in me is zinging with anticipation. And hey, if its even a placebo fix for a mental case like me, and I see results, I would be elated!! I quell any anxious fears that creep in about having a surgery and the associated cost with the idea that it really can't get any worse, but then that's what I said before I tried the Depo Proverea shot and now I am in my fourth week of bleeding constantly and manic homicidal tendencies. So... God be with us all. Give us the cure (before my husband leaves for good!)!
I know that I will have more poignant thoughts and I will post the best, most dramatic and blood curdling entries from my diary. Can you even wait? I quit blogging. And journaling some time ago wheni realized that every entry was a series of poorly constructed complaints. I ant promise that I am done complaining, but I can commit that I am on a path to discovering health and happiness and most of all, stability.
http://tubal.org/symptoms_of_pts.htm
http://www.myptls.blogspot.com/2010_07_01_archive.html
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/Adenomyosis/DS00636
http://www.tubal-reversal.net/blog/2008/pregnancy-after-tubal-reversal/menstrual-problems-tubal-ligation.html
http://www.mybabydoc.com/blog/2010/09/possible-symptoms-of-post-tubal-ligation-syndrome-ptls-by-tubal-ligation-expert-in-la/
I am 34 years old. I feel like I am 50. I have had four healthy children, no miscarriages (for which I am always grateful) no C sections or other major obstacles. Until a little more than 8 years ago, I was an active, healthy, energetic mom, with my share of emotional turmoil resultant from a crappy marriag, too many kids too soon and a decade in a cult, but nonetheless, my complaints were minor.
Today, I am 4o pounds heavier than my constant weight (after every baby). I have been "diagnosed" with IBS, depression, adenomyosis, ovarian cysts, pelvic inflammatory disease and a myriad of other little nuisance issues. My once clear face has become scarred with several years of battling acne. My hair falls out in handfulls. I am bloated most days to the point that I have a numbeer of comebacks prepared for the inevitable questions sbout my baby's due date. Every month, worsening consistently over the last 8 years, I deal with an 8-10 day hell of excruciating pain, excessive bleeding and unbearable moodiness. During ovulation I can look forward to the same moodiness and horrifying pain. I am exhausted beyond words. I am physically, emotionally and psychologically drained. I have become a monster to my family. I have destroyed countless relationships and continue to wreak havoc even when I know that very word coming out of my mouth is irrational. I took Prozac for two years after the end of a long term relationship, and while it muted all of my other emotions, for the first time in years I felt as if I could chose my responses to things in my life. I have been off of Prozac for over a year and a half and feel more out of control and helpless with my emotional responses that ever before. Beginning last October, a stabbing pain settled in to my lower left abdomen, right about where my ovary might be. The pain has steadily increased over the months, driving me (uninsured) to the ER for a wasted $8000 in bills and no diagnosis other than "see some sort of a specialist". The ER doc couldn't even pin down what kind of a specialist I needed to see, maybe a shrink? The gynecologist says it's "just" my adenoymosis (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/Adenomyosis/DS00636), which of course can be excruciating, gets worse over time, oh, yeah, and has a MUCH higher incidence in women with tubaligations. At this point, I get out of bed in the AM with my pain level being at about a 2/10. I am trying to stay off of pain meds (since I am sure the have wreaked their own havoc) during the day, but after a nine hour work day I come home, make dinner, and by 6:30 pm I usually hit about an 8/10. Out come the drugs, wine, heat packs, sleeping pills, threats to kick my poor bewildered husband out, early bedtimes for kids and any other fight I can pick to avoid the hot, serrated blade in my lower abdomen. This is EVERY night right now. I notice an evening of relief. It is beautiful. It usually shows up after three whiskey sours and two hydro codone. Josh likes those nights.
It is hard for me to reconcile blaming all of these changes on one small procedure, and yet, after attempting countless elimination diets, excersize regimes, medications, diagnostic procedures, I have yet to nail down why and how my body has gone to hell. Obviously I have jumped through the requisite hoops of repenting to god and accepting my plight as consequence for my evil life, but I have found once again that even when I behave well the consequences increase. I don't know why I thought that would work this time. Desperation I guess.
After many years of sucking it up, taking pain meds, going to work very day because I had no choice, raising four girls mostly on my own and becoming exhausted and bitter, I guess my family heard my cries (or insolent demands) for help and started seeking answers on my behalf. Finally I am too tired to protest and have to agree that all of the things I read about Post Tubaligation Syndrome are too coincidental to ignore. Testimony after testimony from women who have gone through the same hell, sometimes worse. The day after Aspen was born, I had a Tubaligation. I was assured that there were no side effects, and even when I went to my doctor within the first year after because my metabolism had tanked and mya face ws breaking out, he said that Tubaligation cannot be the cause for any of it, and my hormones must have changed after my last baby. Who was I to argue?
I cannot say with confidence that my tubal is to blame for any or all of this hell, but I intend to find out. Thanks to my devoted mother (and sister) who have all but made the decision for me, I am scheduled for a tubal reversal on April 4th, 2012. I am excited. If the reversal cuts the pain in half, or stabilizes my crazy ridiculous mood swings before I get divorced agin, it will be worth every penny (right, mom?).
I will keep a personal diary of my symptoms to track the results, because if there is something to this, and I get my body back, The Tubaligation industry has won a new enemy and I will share my story. God willing.
I am including links to some of the stories that my Mom found, and while the cynic in me is still reticent, the desperate hopeful in me is zinging with anticipation. And hey, if its even a placebo fix for a mental case like me, and I see results, I would be elated!! I quell any anxious fears that creep in about having a surgery and the associated cost with the idea that it really can't get any worse, but then that's what I said before I tried the Depo Proverea shot and now I am in my fourth week of bleeding constantly and manic homicidal tendencies. So... God be with us all. Give us the cure (before my husband leaves for good!)!
I know that I will have more poignant thoughts and I will post the best, most dramatic and blood curdling entries from my diary. Can you even wait? I quit blogging. And journaling some time ago wheni realized that every entry was a series of poorly constructed complaints. I ant promise that I am done complaining, but I can commit that I am on a path to discovering health and happiness and most of all, stability.
http://tubal.org/symptoms_of_pts.htm
http://www.myptls.blogspot.com/2010_07_01_archive.html
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/Adenomyosis/DS00636
http://www.tubal-reversal.net/blog/2008/pregnancy-after-tubal-reversal/menstrual-problems-tubal-ligation.html
http://www.mybabydoc.com/blog/2010/09/possible-symptoms-of-post-tubal-ligation-syndrome-ptls-by-tubal-ligation-expert-in-la/
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