Struggles

I don't want to go back. I am at war with my own mind, and body, obviously. I have been so much better. So much better that I barely recognized the old monster when she started to raise her head again. The pain is as bad as it's ever been. The worry, doubt, paranoia - physically identifiable feeling of fear that makes my whole body buzz. I know it is irrational. I know it's unfounded. I know that I am exhausted. Exhausted from pain, from lack of sleep, from worry. One more shift on this fire and I will be home. I will be able to breathe deeply the truth that I know is all around me. Peace I have been out of touch with for too long. I have to find a way to function in the reality of work Without losing the sense of peace that I know is real. It breaks my heart to feel the uncontrollable emotions well up inside my chest, down deep in my stomach. Knowing they are unfounded. They are wrong. I want desperately to beat them back into submission, to put permanent reigns on my emotions. I am at such a loss. My head buys into the lies and says that if I don't listen to my gut I will find myself, my girls in that desperate place again. Alone and destroyed. Not again. There is truth. I have it. I won't let it go. Is it the season changing? The miles and hours out of touch? The restless, sleepless short nights? I have to fight this monster. Is it just hormones? Is it just the only response I have left to combat the daily pain with? I need help. I need to be home. One more day. One more step. One more short night and All the rest will be long. Will be true. Will be real. One more.