I got up this morning with all these great intentions in my head for getting stuff done. Somewhere around 9:17, a thick bank of grey clouds rolled into my head and made it impossible. To do pretty much anything.
This has been a rough week. I feel like hell. Luckily I have very obvious hormonal reasons that I can blame for most of my issues, but I sure wish they would go away. I don't like wasting time feeling crappy and acting crappy.
The hardest part is not being able to get my brain to function. I really honestly can't force my brain to stay focused long enough to get though a sentence. For example, it took me a moment to figure out how to spell GET in the last sentence. Ridiculous. I am taking all of my vitamins, and I even made an extra large batch of extra potent beet-apple-pear-carrot-kale-ginger-lemon-cucumber juice for lunch. Give me another 48 hours and I will be fine? I hope. So does Josh.
What I should probably do is go for a walk in the sunshine. But just walking to the kitchen feels like a Major Life Event right now. How stupid. I hate being a girl. Maybe if I put my sweatpants back on I would feel better. Especially if wearing sweatpants was closely followed by a nap.
I decided to get started on a Real Blogsite today. One that I make myself. But I got lost halfway through and EXTREMELY frustrated. So that is shelved until later. Or tomorrow. Not sure what to do with myself today. Maybe I will stagger out into the sunny yard and fall asleep. Then I will have guilt for all the Things I need to do. Even though I can't remember any of them.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
inching ahead
I know I am way behind. There is so much to catch up on. I guess the cool thing is that nothing vitally important happened. Except that I quit my job (yay!) and I got married (again {YAY!}) and we moved. (YAYYY!!!) and stuff.
First lets get the boring stuff out of the way: I am doing well. I am emotionally stable. Almost too stable. Which means that I am stable enough that Josh thinks he can get away with all kinds of nothandlingmewithkidgloves type behavior and I am not much into that. So every once in awhile I have to pretend to be emotionally fragile just to keep him in check. Just kidding. I don't really do that. I think.
Physically I have tons of energy, I generally feel good, and I am FINALLY starting to lose weight. Trying not to get too excited, but with a little more exercise (I have decide to like riding bikes) and switching out a meal a day for fresh vegetable/fruit juice, I am starting to see some consistent dropping. Not as fast as I would like, but hey, at this point, I will take whatever I can get.
The weird undiagnosed pain in my lower left abdomen is still there. After a few more doctors visits that included a colonoscopy (thank you never again), we are concluding that it is some sort of a muscle tear in a deep abdominal muscle. It sort of makes sense, since rest helps it, abstaining from ALL activity, etc, but I still don't get why it goes extra crazy around thattimeofthemonth, and also thatothertimeofthemonth. It's weird. But I am tired of looking. Although I did just find out that I have insurance for another 6 months or so, and I am thinking a hysterectomy would be a wise choice. At least then I would have one less thattimeofthemonth to worry about.
while not having the emotional upheaval to worry about (seriously, I don't even recognize who I was a few months ago) is a massive relief, I have still been determined to get to the root of some of my health issues. I heard about a juice fast/cleanse/diet from a friend and the amazing results. Josh and I watched a documentary called Fat, Tired and Nearly Dead and it was interesting. We started slowly working fresh juice into our diet and eliminating some of the chronic junk. I am noticing that all the deep fried stuff is really (and literally?) killing me. My stomach doesn't like it. I also am still having a rough time with fruit, but really trying to weigh out if the consequences are worth the benefits.... the jury is still out on that one.
Whatever it is that I am doing right now seems to be working. I have had several people in the last few days comment on how "healthy" I look. partially I suppose because my sunburn has evolved to tan, and I'd like to give credit to the blonde highlights I got before the "wedding".
Oh! Wedding/party/reception thingy. Yes, It was fun. Mostly. Josh was a little uncooperative, I think mostly because he didn't like the idea of our (somewhat troubled in his mind still) relationship being in the spotlight. He was all about a party, sort of. Except the part about buying food and stuff. It really was great to have all of my family in one place and we had an awesome time. I don't like to look at any of the pictures with me in them because I remember feeling so much less FAT when I was there. But oh well. It will give me something to look back on and go WOW, right?
I quit my regular job at the forest service. Mostly because I realized that I can make more in two weeks on a fire than I can working two months at my regular wage INCLUDING fire time as an employee, so I am going back to my status as an emergency hire for the FS. Love it. I love love love not having to get up in the morning, or be anywhere, or clean toilets (even though I have been doing it as a volunteer since I quit) (what? I had guilt for leaving them in the lurch?) or do anything I don't sign up for. It's great. I need to see about getting a job of some sort this fall, but for now, I am waiting on fires (just got a call to go to Oakridge...) and loving summer.
Also - we moved into a bigger place that has a yard like a park. I love it. In fact, some days, I don't want to go anywhere. Except then it gets really hot and so I don't mind getting out. Josh did pretty much all of the moving (which I also loved) while I was gone - and now I owe him forever.
Anyway, more later, gotta go pack for a fire!
First lets get the boring stuff out of the way: I am doing well. I am emotionally stable. Almost too stable. Which means that I am stable enough that Josh thinks he can get away with all kinds of nothandlingmewithkidgloves type behavior and I am not much into that. So every once in awhile I have to pretend to be emotionally fragile just to keep him in check. Just kidding. I don't really do that. I think.
Physically I have tons of energy, I generally feel good, and I am FINALLY starting to lose weight. Trying not to get too excited, but with a little more exercise (I have decide to like riding bikes) and switching out a meal a day for fresh vegetable/fruit juice, I am starting to see some consistent dropping. Not as fast as I would like, but hey, at this point, I will take whatever I can get.
The weird undiagnosed pain in my lower left abdomen is still there. After a few more doctors visits that included a colonoscopy (thank you never again), we are concluding that it is some sort of a muscle tear in a deep abdominal muscle. It sort of makes sense, since rest helps it, abstaining from ALL activity, etc, but I still don't get why it goes extra crazy around thattimeofthemonth, and also thatothertimeofthemonth. It's weird. But I am tired of looking. Although I did just find out that I have insurance for another 6 months or so, and I am thinking a hysterectomy would be a wise choice. At least then I would have one less thattimeofthemonth to worry about.
while not having the emotional upheaval to worry about (seriously, I don't even recognize who I was a few months ago) is a massive relief, I have still been determined to get to the root of some of my health issues. I heard about a juice fast/cleanse/diet from a friend and the amazing results. Josh and I watched a documentary called Fat, Tired and Nearly Dead and it was interesting. We started slowly working fresh juice into our diet and eliminating some of the chronic junk. I am noticing that all the deep fried stuff is really (and literally?) killing me. My stomach doesn't like it. I also am still having a rough time with fruit, but really trying to weigh out if the consequences are worth the benefits.... the jury is still out on that one.
Whatever it is that I am doing right now seems to be working. I have had several people in the last few days comment on how "healthy" I look. partially I suppose because my sunburn has evolved to tan, and I'd like to give credit to the blonde highlights I got before the "wedding".
Oh! Wedding/party/reception thingy. Yes, It was fun. Mostly. Josh was a little uncooperative, I think mostly because he didn't like the idea of our (somewhat troubled in his mind still) relationship being in the spotlight. He was all about a party, sort of. Except the part about buying food and stuff. It really was great to have all of my family in one place and we had an awesome time. I don't like to look at any of the pictures with me in them because I remember feeling so much less FAT when I was there. But oh well. It will give me something to look back on and go WOW, right?
I quit my regular job at the forest service. Mostly because I realized that I can make more in two weeks on a fire than I can working two months at my regular wage INCLUDING fire time as an employee, so I am going back to my status as an emergency hire for the FS. Love it. I love love love not having to get up in the morning, or be anywhere, or clean toilets (even though I have been doing it as a volunteer since I quit) (what? I had guilt for leaving them in the lurch?) or do anything I don't sign up for. It's great. I need to see about getting a job of some sort this fall, but for now, I am waiting on fires (just got a call to go to Oakridge...) and loving summer.
Also - we moved into a bigger place that has a yard like a park. I love it. In fact, some days, I don't want to go anywhere. Except then it gets really hot and so I don't mind getting out. Josh did pretty much all of the moving (which I also loved) while I was gone - and now I owe him forever.
Anyway, more later, gotta go pack for a fire!
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Things that are...
Better: I have energy. I am happy. I actually like life again. I even love my husband. ;) My period is (so far) about 1/2 the intensity it used to be, on all levels, pain, bleeding, emotional wreckage. Maybe less than half, but I'll allow some wiggle room.
The same: the pain in my lower left abdomen is back. I think I did something to reinjure it, and my pain by evening time most days is pretty awesome.
Worse: um... Nothing??
I haven't written anything in a while, I've been crazy busy, working full time, finishing up my last school reports, running around on the weekends doing all sorta of craziness, buying new cars, getting ready to move (into a bigger house), and basically enjoying life. The kids are at their dad's for the summer, and I can't say I'm not loving the break. Just me and Jish, and no guilt if we skip out for happy hour and don't come back til after karaoke is over.
I'm doing archaeology surveys for the forest service, and I really enjoy tromping around the forest by myself, except on says like today, when it's pouring down rain. I'm sitting in the car - hoping to wait it out... Not really confident that the sun will reappear.
The job dilemma is still that. Neither Josh nor I have nailed down anything decisively, still a lot up in the air, but since we decided to stay in Bend I have a pretty solid feeling at least. I'm not worried. I'm sad Josh has to keep building for now, but I know things will work themselves out.
I think I'm almost ready for a fire dispatch, which is good since things are starting to heat up...
Sent from my iPhone
The same: the pain in my lower left abdomen is back. I think I did something to reinjure it, and my pain by evening time most days is pretty awesome.
Worse: um... Nothing??
I haven't written anything in a while, I've been crazy busy, working full time, finishing up my last school reports, running around on the weekends doing all sorta of craziness, buying new cars, getting ready to move (into a bigger house), and basically enjoying life. The kids are at their dad's for the summer, and I can't say I'm not loving the break. Just me and Jish, and no guilt if we skip out for happy hour and don't come back til after karaoke is over.
I'm doing archaeology surveys for the forest service, and I really enjoy tromping around the forest by myself, except on says like today, when it's pouring down rain. I'm sitting in the car - hoping to wait it out... Not really confident that the sun will reappear.
The job dilemma is still that. Neither Josh nor I have nailed down anything decisively, still a lot up in the air, but since we decided to stay in Bend I have a pretty solid feeling at least. I'm not worried. I'm sad Josh has to keep building for now, but I know things will work themselves out.
I think I'm almost ready for a fire dispatch, which is good since things are starting to heat up...
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, June 7, 2012
The Everybodyfields - Lonely Anywhere
Check out this video on YouTube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXQ1rhzUjls&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Sent from my iPhone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXQ1rhzUjls&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Epihpanies and Illiopsoas Muscles
Blahhhh! After 12 years in classes of some sort or another, 5 different majors, 4 different schools, a million headaches and frustrations balancing full time work, full time kids, full time school and full time emotional basketcase, I just received a passing grade on my last critical assignment before I graduate on May 11th. I know bachelors degrees are run of the mill these days, and honestly, it represents $50K in debt more than success or the garauntee of a good job, but still, hey, I did it. I cannot tell you the relief I feel. I am not sure that if I hadn't had Josh here for the last few terms, pushing me and buying in 100%, that I wouldn't have quit just before the finish line. I was pretty burnt out. So I guess I have to give him credit. At least part. :)
I am so excited. To not have school. To find some work I like (after the summer). To move. To feel better. To be less... miserable.
I saw a chiropractor the other day who adjusted my back (I had 4 ribs out and he called my lumbar a 2nd grade strain) but what was really cool was the physical therapist he works with called me out on my Psoas Muscle, the hip flexor that attaches near the lumbar/thorassic transition and winds through the abdomen/pelvic cavity and attaches at the top of the inside of the femur. Referred pain from a damaged illiopsoas can be felt in the lower back and LOW PELVIS, for men, even testicularly. What if all this ouch down there on the left side is a pulled or torn muscle that I have been abusing? It makes sense with the activity induced pain. We shall see. I am going back for some more therapy, and have stretching and strengthening assignments. And MUST GET BACK TO YOGA!!!
It's hard for me to stay focused at work, partially because I am ADD and partially because I am ready to move on. I am absolutely amazed at the difference in my energy level - I have no idea what to attribute that to so I am going to give credit to the surgery. I actually WANT to do things. All kinds of things. Like running and skipping and things that are hard for me. We hiked up Pilot Butte last night. Not a huge mountain, but enough for me to be proud of! Today it's raining, which dulls my enthusiasm, but I will probably find something to do.
I am still off of sugar, dairy and grains. But I am counting the minutes to Saturday when I have decided to let cheese back into my life. What is Cinco De Mayo without cheese? Seriously? I. Can't. Wait. I have been fantasizing about chips and salsa and beans and rice for days.
Ok, I gotta go hook up a big trailer to a big truck to pick up a big tent for a big event this weekend. Wish I could just go shopping and meet some friends for lunch. Too bad you're all so far away!
I am so excited. To not have school. To find some work I like (after the summer). To move. To feel better. To be less... miserable.
I saw a chiropractor the other day who adjusted my back (I had 4 ribs out and he called my lumbar a 2nd grade strain) but what was really cool was the physical therapist he works with called me out on my Psoas Muscle, the hip flexor that attaches near the lumbar/thorassic transition and winds through the abdomen/pelvic cavity and attaches at the top of the inside of the femur. Referred pain from a damaged illiopsoas can be felt in the lower back and LOW PELVIS, for men, even testicularly. What if all this ouch down there on the left side is a pulled or torn muscle that I have been abusing? It makes sense with the activity induced pain. We shall see. I am going back for some more therapy, and have stretching and strengthening assignments. And MUST GET BACK TO YOGA!!!
It's hard for me to stay focused at work, partially because I am ADD and partially because I am ready to move on. I am absolutely amazed at the difference in my energy level - I have no idea what to attribute that to so I am going to give credit to the surgery. I actually WANT to do things. All kinds of things. Like running and skipping and things that are hard for me. We hiked up Pilot Butte last night. Not a huge mountain, but enough for me to be proud of! Today it's raining, which dulls my enthusiasm, but I will probably find something to do.
I am still off of sugar, dairy and grains. But I am counting the minutes to Saturday when I have decided to let cheese back into my life. What is Cinco De Mayo without cheese? Seriously? I. Can't. Wait. I have been fantasizing about chips and salsa and beans and rice for days.
Ok, I gotta go hook up a big trailer to a big truck to pick up a big tent for a big event this weekend. Wish I could just go shopping and meet some friends for lunch. Too bad you're all so far away!
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Jolking and Dogs
I felt like I really wasn't hurting from it, but today I am kinda rough. But that was on Sunday, so... Anyway, after a week I will probably allow cheese and yogurt. Maybe corn, that's the grain I most miss. Chips and Salsa...
I am kind of antsy, and want to start running - or jolking. That's a patent pending cross between jogging and walking. But I am afraid of the consequences. Today I will take Truck and Steve (I renamed Josh's dog from Emmy to Steve. I respect her more now.) for a walk and that will be consequence enough for a week. Truck is a bully on a leash and Steve just rides her brakes the whole way. Plus they both think they need to poop every three blocks, and I am not good at picking up poop. If I can find a way to justify not picking it up, I will. "oh, I don't have a bag! dangit!" "oh, it's in the weeds way off the road". Josh HATES this about me. I am one "of those" people. I am. I admit it. I will endure the shame if it means I don't have to pick up poop. It makes me throw up. No really, it does.
Maybe we will walk to Old Navy since there is incentive on the other end. Of course if I buy anything, a) I will have to carry it back and b) I will have a bag with which to pick up poop. Hmm. dilemma.
Other than my lower left pain, I am feeling great. Oh, and my back is hurting again, and my digestive system is still screwy, but I just ordered Dr. Mercola's NewStart Cleanse so I will let you know how that goes. I feel like I definitely need a restart. And I have a chiropractor appointment today in case it's an alignment issue contributing to the pain - that seems like too easy of a fix though.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Progress
Ok, so, the day after my silly one mile walk test, I was in pain again. A lot of pain. Which means whatever it is that was hurting me before only quit because I was doing nothing, and when I do something, anything, it hurts again.
It's nice to be able to eliminate certain problems that would have been easily diagnosed during surgery, and to be honest, as I'm healing up, I feel more evened out every day. Evened out, as in, I am only ripping Josh's head off once or twice a day instead of all day long, and which I can tell is helping because he's hiding from me a whole lot less. :)
The problem of the returning pain has inspired me to start another elimination/cleanse diet to see if flushing my system of some of the toxic stuff I consume helps. Considering the pain is activity aggravated I am not super hopeful, but I think I'll feel better without grains and dairy and sugar in my diet for awhile anyway.
I am also coming to terms with the fact that I have to start exercising again, regardless of the pain. I can't keep letting my muscles atrophe and my blobbiness expand, because the reality is I'll probably be in pain no matter what but I'm letting a whole new realm of issues creep in. Needless to say, the prospect of any workout is extremely non-fantastic, and makes me want to take a really long nap.
I have virtually no pain from the surgery itself, which, for three weeks out feels pretty good. I've also noticed my appetite is way smaller and my face isn't breaking out as much. Maybe incidentals, but who knows. Even after a week of brewpubs in Hood River I don't feel massively bloated and horrible. It's been way easier to quit eating when I'm full. Unless it's mushroom bruschetta from Cebu Lounge at the Hood River Inn.
I'm back to full on work now, my Doctor's orders expire on Tuesday and I have no more whimp out excuses. I am not looking forward to the ramifications of that, because 9 hours of almost anything COHVOPS makes me pretty crabby by dinner time. Although I do notice the pain is usually the worst about 24 hours after I do something physical. Luckily we have lots of events coming up so all I have to do is drive around and smile at people. So that eats up work hours.
I hate to admit I'm secretly excited to finish my internship and move on from this job. My brain is tired of doing nothing. Speaking of events, I'm sitting in the truck at the China Hat ISDE which stands for some sort of motorcycles race, watching tons of people run around on dirt bikes excitedly. It almost makes me wish I rode. Almost. Mostly it makes me want to take a nap.
BTW, in spite of all the nap talk, I have noticed my energy is much better - and I haven't been taking my vitamins! I have been going to bed earlier... Gosh I feel old some days.
Guess I'll go find my partner who is running around with his dirt bike buddies, and pretend to work for awhile.
Sent from my iPhone
It's nice to be able to eliminate certain problems that would have been easily diagnosed during surgery, and to be honest, as I'm healing up, I feel more evened out every day. Evened out, as in, I am only ripping Josh's head off once or twice a day instead of all day long, and which I can tell is helping because he's hiding from me a whole lot less. :)
The problem of the returning pain has inspired me to start another elimination/cleanse diet to see if flushing my system of some of the toxic stuff I consume helps. Considering the pain is activity aggravated I am not super hopeful, but I think I'll feel better without grains and dairy and sugar in my diet for awhile anyway.
I am also coming to terms with the fact that I have to start exercising again, regardless of the pain. I can't keep letting my muscles atrophe and my blobbiness expand, because the reality is I'll probably be in pain no matter what but I'm letting a whole new realm of issues creep in. Needless to say, the prospect of any workout is extremely non-fantastic, and makes me want to take a really long nap.
I have virtually no pain from the surgery itself, which, for three weeks out feels pretty good. I've also noticed my appetite is way smaller and my face isn't breaking out as much. Maybe incidentals, but who knows. Even after a week of brewpubs in Hood River I don't feel massively bloated and horrible. It's been way easier to quit eating when I'm full. Unless it's mushroom bruschetta from Cebu Lounge at the Hood River Inn.
I'm back to full on work now, my Doctor's orders expire on Tuesday and I have no more whimp out excuses. I am not looking forward to the ramifications of that, because 9 hours of almost anything COHVOPS makes me pretty crabby by dinner time. Although I do notice the pain is usually the worst about 24 hours after I do something physical. Luckily we have lots of events coming up so all I have to do is drive around and smile at people. So that eats up work hours.
I hate to admit I'm secretly excited to finish my internship and move on from this job. My brain is tired of doing nothing. Speaking of events, I'm sitting in the truck at the China Hat ISDE which stands for some sort of motorcycles race, watching tons of people run around on dirt bikes excitedly. It almost makes me wish I rode. Almost. Mostly it makes me want to take a nap.
BTW, in spite of all the nap talk, I have noticed my energy is much better - and I haven't been taking my vitamins! I have been going to bed earlier... Gosh I feel old some days.
Guess I'll go find my partner who is running around with his dirt bike buddies, and pretend to work for awhile.
Sent from my iPhone
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