So, I should have gone to work today. Or rather, I COULD have gone to work today. It is my "scheduled day off", since we work 5/4 9 hour days, except that I missed Monday, and Tuesday, and part of Friday last week. So the hours would have been good. But then I wouldn't have had time to take two quizzes and a test, and drink my coffee out of a real mug, and change my clothes three times, and watch video clips from the new season of The Office, since I feel guilty watching any real episodes without Josh.

But it is nice. So nice, to have a day to get caught up on all the laundry - which Josh already did. And the housecleaning, which I am successfully avoiding. And the errands I am going to run (any second now) with poor MacKenzie who hasn't left the house all week and thinks she might grow lichens soon if she doesn't do something.

The sun is out. That, in and of itself makes it a good day.

I have been hurting more, again, maybe because I am trying to move more, do more, push myself, and maybe the pain on my left side went away because I was doing absolutely nothing for several days. Maybe that's what I am supposed to do always, absolutely nothing. That is one thing I am good at.

In spite of the returning old pain, the surgery stuff is getting exponentially better: I can sneeze now without cussing. I can get up and down almost all day without wincing and moaning (although sometimes I do it just for dramatic effect anyway). And I got new jeans. Which makes EVERYTHING better.

I have been trying to be careful what I eat in some useless attempt to cut back on my calories and start trying to whittle away at all this extra weight in lieu of all the exercise I am not getting. It is VERY discouraging. And I am NOT good at it. Because I like food and I love to eat. Mostly good food. Not healthy, skinny food. I like gravy, and dairy products. I have been successfully weaning myself off of most of the pain killers, but weaning myself off of delicious foods that do me Absolutely No Good is something I am not sure I can do.

Speaking of drugs, since I ran out of prescription pain killers I decided to stop taking them. Ok I was forced. They make life so much easier, but maybe my body will begin to heal itself and patch some things together if I can flush my system of the chemicals that pollute it. I have still been taking a dose of ibuprofen daily, once the pain gets bad enough that I realize I am really hating life, but honestly, it just upsets my stomach and doesn't do a whole lot for the pain, so I am reserving it mostly for bedtime to help me sleep. Since lying still is when the pain becomes paramount in my mind. I think there is always this curiosity in me to see if I can "get off" of prescription pain killers, in case I got addicted on this round. I like watching for withdrawal symptoms, and then when I get mean and snap at Josh I can blame Those Terrible Drugs instead of my own impatience and lack of self government. It is nice to have a scape goat. I don't really feel withdrawally, but I will retain the excuse just in case. Part of me would Really like to find a way to get my prescription refilled, because it just is easier. But part of me knows that it's so much better for me if I can do without. But one pill is so much cheaper and more convenient than a session with an acupuncturist, or a massage, or whatever weird thing crosses my mind to try to alleviate the pain. Like a yoga class. Or a bottle of wine (should that be a glass?).

I think now that I will go run those errands. Or actually drive them. But I might try to actually go for a "Walk" today, like a recreational one. For exercise. With dogs. It sounds painful, but sort of nice.

For the record, I do feel like I am evening out emotionally. I think the effects of the depo are finally subsiding and while I still have moments of absolute absurdity, it is getting easier to choose my responses. Part of that is just exhaustion after 9 hours of work and realizing I owe my family dinner and I just don't have the energy to pick a fight. In fact, I have been tired enough that we have eaten out almost every night this week, and I certainly haven't cooked anything. One night I went to bed without dinner. I guess I have made Kizzie cook - it's nice having Cinderella back. I can't say that the turmoil in our house is really subsiding (which I still take full responsibility for), but I feel like maybe I can see a light at the end of the tunnel that offers hope for some peace. I hope that light isn't the iconic beacon of demise for either myself or Poor Josh... I am pretty sure we'll make it. ;)