I Am Back

Today I am resetting my resolve. If resolve needs resetting, is it really much resolve at all? Maybe I am just buckling up for another run of productive war with this crazy body of mine.

I started juicing over a year ago, and have found this helps me with my digestive issues tremendously, when I am doing it. I have noticed that even on prenatal vitamins and other supplements that I don't seem to assimilate the nutrients my body needs. I get frequent "charlie horses" and other muscle cramps. My hair is falling out in handful. I am tired. It could be that I need to re-examine my thyroid dose, as many of the symptoms cross over with hypothyroidism and also with the obvious hormonal issues that I face. Regardless, the juicing helps keep me regular and I seem to have more energy when I am doing it faithfully, which leads me to believe my body is actually getting the minerals and vitamins that I need.

Today my juice was spinach, apple, grape, carrot, lime and cucumber. It was much more palatable than the kale and carrot juice I choked down last week since I was out of everything else. I know I need to cut back on the fruit in my juice because the sugars aren't doing me any favors, but it's so much easier to get down with a little bit of sweet...

I am supposed to be leaving for a two week fire assignment in the next day or so. My team knows that I can't do big hikes, but I know that I need to be able to be somewhat ambulatory to make it work for them. I am bracing myself for some rough days, but since I have plenty of those at home on my couch, what do I have to lose? $350 a day if I don't go - that's a loss I can't afford. And it is a good distraction. It's new people, new turf. A new reason to act tough and hide the pain. Josh would like it if I had more reasons to hide the pain. I think he probably thinks that I am faking how bad it is when he is the only one around, when really I am faking how bad it's not when there are other people. I hate to be a whiner, but sometimes I wish that he, or somebody, anybody knew that even when I am laughing, I am hurting. Always hurting. I just suck it up. Not that I am tough. I am not. I know that my pain threshold has gone way down after years of painkillers - another good reason to give them up. Some days I think I can. Think I will. And then there is That Day. The one that chews me up and spits me out and laughs in my face and tells me how weak and pathetic I am. It's usually about every third day. Right after the first day when I am almost ok. Day two when I think maybe for a second I am miraculously healed and the pain is getting better... and then That Day. But I am starting to track the cycle, so that I can stop it. Kill it dead. So far the pieces are coming together like this:

have my period - want to die - take codeine - get constipated - pain increases - and more - back gets worse - pelvic pain gets worse - still taking codeine - still constipated - want to die even more - finally achieve gastrointestinal movement through some extreme elimination challenge (pun intended) - pain subsides in back, pelvis - moment of peace - ovulation starts - pain skyrockets - want to die - take codeine- repeat entire cycle.

Clearly the codeine needs to be eliminated. And/or the pain. Preferably the pain. Come on insurance. I am overdue.