I don't know if it's the bug I got a fire camp, or going off of my thyroid medication for a few days, or the many pounds I gained, or exactly what in the world is wrong with me, but I have a severe case of the can't-get-up-and-goes. I am tired. Always. All day. I have no energy. My pain comes and goes. But I can't shake the feeling of being totally. worn. down. I have started back in on a heavy vitamin regime, which makes me nauseous. I know I need to be juicing, but it just takes so much energy. And time. And appropriate shopping. I feel a little bit - no, a lot - hopeless about my body right now. I need an unfusion of YES!!!! Anybody know where I can get some?
Friday, September 6, 2013
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Coming Back To Earth
A month out in the boondocks without running water and flushing toilets was... fun. Not really, but I survived. The money I make is worth it, they tell me, so I counted down every day until I could crawl into bed and succumb to trazadone and 16 hour work days. I have to say that I feel lucky. The month wasn't as hard as it could have been. My regular pain was down a few notches, and I don't know if that is because I was doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING all day long, or what. I had run ins with the usual issues, constipation, which I get at bay with a steady supply of dried fruit, and a world class menstrual cycle which always highlights the lack of modern plumbing in giant neon flashes in my mind. But overall, my "normal" pain was not as bad as usual. For most of the 30 days I was gone. I consider this a mercy. Of course it could be because I came down with a pretty gnarly head cold and my uterus symptoms always seem to cut me some slack when my immune system is waging war elsewhere. Maybe it's just in my head, but maybe there is some hormonal/endocrine shut off when my healing resources are temporarily diverted? It's a nice thought anyway. And my cold is almost gone but my uterus has reawakened and is trying to make up for lost time.
I am so excited to get a hysterectomy. Still waiting to hear from the state about our insurance, but I am not holding my breath - which puts us back out to January for just the initial exam, and probably March for surgery. It's a long way away. I am tired of waiting, but at this point, it's hard to imagine life without daily pain, so a few more months will just make the change that much sweeter, right? Reading all of the questions from other women with adenomyosis on the support pages has been SO refreshing for me. It's given me so much hope to hear about women who are actually pain free after their hysterectomies. Even women with a lot of my same, weird symptoms. I feel less alone, and less like a drug seeking drama queen. I am very thankful for this quirky and unfortunate online community that I have found. My plan for the next few weeks, if I don't get insurance in place, is to seek out some acupuncture, if for no other reason that to get certain adamant friends off of my back (you know who you are!), and say that I at least tried. I won't pretend I am not leery, but I am desperate enough to try anything.
I am tired of being broken. It's just not cool anymore. I am ready to be young and feel good again.
I am so excited to get a hysterectomy. Still waiting to hear from the state about our insurance, but I am not holding my breath - which puts us back out to January for just the initial exam, and probably March for surgery. It's a long way away. I am tired of waiting, but at this point, it's hard to imagine life without daily pain, so a few more months will just make the change that much sweeter, right? Reading all of the questions from other women with adenomyosis on the support pages has been SO refreshing for me. It's given me so much hope to hear about women who are actually pain free after their hysterectomies. Even women with a lot of my same, weird symptoms. I feel less alone, and less like a drug seeking drama queen. I am very thankful for this quirky and unfortunate online community that I have found. My plan for the next few weeks, if I don't get insurance in place, is to seek out some acupuncture, if for no other reason that to get certain adamant friends off of my back (you know who you are!), and say that I at least tried. I won't pretend I am not leery, but I am desperate enough to try anything.
I am tired of being broken. It's just not cool anymore. I am ready to be young and feel good again.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Eating The Right Stuff
After staying up til 1:30 AM and finding an amazing wealth of resources to help me get my footing again in this struggle, I came across this website this morning: Adenomyosis Information Network. A lovely gal named Maria has compiled so much useful information, but one of my favorite pages is this one: Helpful Diet Tips. Marie has a concise list of the things to eat that are HELPFUL in dealing with Adenomyosis, and a short but painful list of the things to avoid.
Here is Marie's list, with my ever-so-helpful commentary:
Here is Marie's list, with my ever-so-helpful commentary:
Helpful Diet Tips
During my struggle with adenomyosis and through my research, I have found that the following foods and supplements may improve symptoms of adenomyosis. This information may be particularly useful to those who do not want to undergo a hysterectomy.
1. Fiber - helps to rid the body of excess estrogen. Good sources include beans, nuts, seeds, oatmeal, and fresh vegetables.
- this one is difficult for me, except for the beans. I love beans. For someone with "IBS", it seems counterintuitive to consume such obviously gassy foods, but my body craves them. Possibly because I am not getting good fiber elsewhere? Except for my oatmeal chocolate chip raisin cookies. with those, I am also hitting #7 & #9!!
2. Omega-3 fatty acids - an anti-inflammatory nutrient that has also been shown to balance hormone levels. Sources include anchovies, mackerel, wild salmon, herring, sardines, tuna, walnuts, and flaxseed.
- tuna. 'nough said. Tuna salads, tuna sandwiches, tuna melts, tuna casseroles, tuna wraps... I love tuna. this is also a distinct craving I have - although the craving usually mandates heinously unhealthy potato chips on the sandwich as well.
3. Organic foods - because of the way they are grown, these foods contain less xenoestrogens.
- must do this. As soon as fire season is over, I am going to subscribe our family to Bountiful Baskets, which I think will make this easier.
4. Cruciferous vegetables - contain a substance called diindolylmethane that has been shown to help the body rid itself of excess estrogen. Sources include broccoli and cauliflower.
- again, gassy, but strangely comfortable food for me. I love these. Especially with cheese. Or the fake hollandaise sauce my mom made for us growing up.
5. Phytoestrogens - weaker estrogens than that found in the human body and they compete for estrogen receptor sites. Good sources include flaxseed, sesame seeds, pistachios, sunflower seeds, almonds, beans, soy, multigrain bread, rye, and barley.
- oooh - let's see, don't like nuts, don't like seeds - LIKE BEANS! - don't do soy, prefer squishy white bread, but usually I try to avoid grains all together.
6. B vitamins - help to balance hormone levels. Sources include tuna, salmon, turkey, chicken, beans, potatoes, milk bananas, and eggs.
- tuna! pretty much any meat is OK with me, and milk, and eggs. I like potatoes too. I do try to remember to take a B vitamin supplement... But remembering anything isn't one of my strong points these days.
7. Foods high in magnesium and zinc - these nutrients help to increase progesterone production. Sources include bran, dark chocolate, pumpkin, squash, edamame, molasses, roast beef, oysters,crab, and lamb.
- two words: DARK CHOCOLATE!
8. Foods high in sulfur - help to detoxify the liver and get rid of excess estrogen. Good sources include onions, garlic, lemons, and leafy green vegetables.
- So I had my mom bring me a bag of lemons from Costco. I have been making my own lemonade and drinking it until my tongue is sore. Does that count? Also, juicing. Leafy vegetable galore. Spinach, kale - and I adore garlic and onions. As my breath will confirm.
9. Resveratrol - this wonderful supplement has numerous health benefits, one being an aromatase inhibitor. Since aromatase synthesizes estrogen, eating food with aromatase inhibiting action helps to lower estrogen levels and may possibly help to reduce adenomyosis symptoms. See "Hormonal Imbalance?" and "Treatments" for more information. Resveratrol can be taken as a supplement (usually extracted from the Japanese knotwood plant) or can be consumed by eating the following foods: red grapes, red wine, peanuts, or cocoa.
- I hardly feel the need to comment here. My favorite conveyance for reservatrol is definitely the wine bottle.
10. White mushrooms - these have been shown to have some natural aromatase inhibiting action. Since aromatase synthesizes estrogen, eating food with aromatase inhibiting action helps to lower estrogen levels and may possibly help to reduce adenomyosis symptoms. See "Hormonal Imbalance?" and "Treatments" for more information.
- ooh! I love an excuse to eat mushrooms! There were some on sale at the store and I thought, hmmm, how can I eat these without feeling frivolous? Problem Solved.
Try to avoid the following foods:
Caffeine
Sugar
Processed food
- this is difficult. very difficult. mostly because lemonade requires sugar, as do oatmeal cookies, and life simply isn't worth living without coffee. but I am always seeking out better versions of sweeteners - I wonder how maple syrup does in lemonade?
I Am Back
Today I am resetting my resolve. If resolve needs resetting, is it really much resolve at all? Maybe I am just buckling up for another run of productive war with this crazy body of mine.
I started juicing over a year ago, and have found this helps me with my digestive issues tremendously, when I am doing it. I have noticed that even on prenatal vitamins and other supplements that I don't seem to assimilate the nutrients my body needs. I get frequent "charlie horses" and other muscle cramps. My hair is falling out in handful. I am tired. It could be that I need to re-examine my thyroid dose, as many of the symptoms cross over with hypothyroidism and also with the obvious hormonal issues that I face. Regardless, the juicing helps keep me regular and I seem to have more energy when I am doing it faithfully, which leads me to believe my body is actually getting the minerals and vitamins that I need.
Today my juice was spinach, apple, grape, carrot, lime and cucumber. It was much more palatable than the kale and carrot juice I choked down last week since I was out of everything else. I know I need to cut back on the fruit in my juice because the sugars aren't doing me any favors, but it's so much easier to get down with a little bit of sweet...
I am supposed to be leaving for a two week fire assignment in the next day or so. My team knows that I can't do big hikes, but I know that I need to be able to be somewhat ambulatory to make it work for them. I am bracing myself for some rough days, but since I have plenty of those at home on my couch, what do I have to lose? $350 a day if I don't go - that's a loss I can't afford. And it is a good distraction. It's new people, new turf. A new reason to act tough and hide the pain. Josh would like it if I had more reasons to hide the pain. I think he probably thinks that I am faking how bad it is when he is the only one around, when really I am faking how bad it's not when there are other people. I hate to be a whiner, but sometimes I wish that he, or somebody, anybody knew that even when I am laughing, I am hurting. Always hurting. I just suck it up. Not that I am tough. I am not. I know that my pain threshold has gone way down after years of painkillers - another good reason to give them up. Some days I think I can. Think I will. And then there is That Day. The one that chews me up and spits me out and laughs in my face and tells me how weak and pathetic I am. It's usually about every third day. Right after the first day when I am almost ok. Day two when I think maybe for a second I am miraculously healed and the pain is getting better... and then That Day. But I am starting to track the cycle, so that I can stop it. Kill it dead. So far the pieces are coming together like this:
have my period - want to die - take codeine - get constipated - pain increases - and more - back gets worse - pelvic pain gets worse - still taking codeine - still constipated - want to die even more - finally achieve gastrointestinal movement through some extreme elimination challenge (pun intended) - pain subsides in back, pelvis - moment of peace - ovulation starts - pain skyrockets - want to die - take codeine- repeat entire cycle.
Clearly the codeine needs to be eliminated. And/or the pain. Preferably the pain. Come on insurance. I am overdue.
I started juicing over a year ago, and have found this helps me with my digestive issues tremendously, when I am doing it. I have noticed that even on prenatal vitamins and other supplements that I don't seem to assimilate the nutrients my body needs. I get frequent "charlie horses" and other muscle cramps. My hair is falling out in handful. I am tired. It could be that I need to re-examine my thyroid dose, as many of the symptoms cross over with hypothyroidism and also with the obvious hormonal issues that I face. Regardless, the juicing helps keep me regular and I seem to have more energy when I am doing it faithfully, which leads me to believe my body is actually getting the minerals and vitamins that I need.
Today my juice was spinach, apple, grape, carrot, lime and cucumber. It was much more palatable than the kale and carrot juice I choked down last week since I was out of everything else. I know I need to cut back on the fruit in my juice because the sugars aren't doing me any favors, but it's so much easier to get down with a little bit of sweet...
I am supposed to be leaving for a two week fire assignment in the next day or so. My team knows that I can't do big hikes, but I know that I need to be able to be somewhat ambulatory to make it work for them. I am bracing myself for some rough days, but since I have plenty of those at home on my couch, what do I have to lose? $350 a day if I don't go - that's a loss I can't afford. And it is a good distraction. It's new people, new turf. A new reason to act tough and hide the pain. Josh would like it if I had more reasons to hide the pain. I think he probably thinks that I am faking how bad it is when he is the only one around, when really I am faking how bad it's not when there are other people. I hate to be a whiner, but sometimes I wish that he, or somebody, anybody knew that even when I am laughing, I am hurting. Always hurting. I just suck it up. Not that I am tough. I am not. I know that my pain threshold has gone way down after years of painkillers - another good reason to give them up. Some days I think I can. Think I will. And then there is That Day. The one that chews me up and spits me out and laughs in my face and tells me how weak and pathetic I am. It's usually about every third day. Right after the first day when I am almost ok. Day two when I think maybe for a second I am miraculously healed and the pain is getting better... and then That Day. But I am starting to track the cycle, so that I can stop it. Kill it dead. So far the pieces are coming together like this:
have my period - want to die - take codeine - get constipated - pain increases - and more - back gets worse - pelvic pain gets worse - still taking codeine - still constipated - want to die even more - finally achieve gastrointestinal movement through some extreme elimination challenge (pun intended) - pain subsides in back, pelvis - moment of peace - ovulation starts - pain skyrockets - want to die - take codeine- repeat entire cycle.
Clearly the codeine needs to be eliminated. And/or the pain. Preferably the pain. Come on insurance. I am overdue.
I Went Away
For awhile. I thought if I ignored it, didn't give it any energy, any attention, the pain and sickness would go away. It didn't. It hasn't. I have come full circle after 8 years of coping, and two years of the intense pursuit of a way for me to heal myself, to giving in to the old monster of adenomyosis and waiting, impatiently, for a hysterectomy. A surgery that will radically transform my existence back into a LIFE. That costs thirty thousand dollars. I am waiting. And hoping, with my breath held and my eyes closed, that this will be the cure. That my pain will subside and my body will once again be something that I am in control of, and not something controlling me. I am hopeful.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Struggles
I don't want to go back. I am at war with my own mind, and body, obviously. I have been so much better. So much better that I barely recognized the old monster when she started to raise her head again. The pain is as bad as it's ever been. The worry, doubt, paranoia - physically identifiable feeling of fear that makes my whole body buzz. I know it is irrational. I know it's unfounded. I know that I am exhausted. Exhausted from pain, from lack of sleep, from worry. One more shift on this fire and I will be home. I will be able to breathe deeply the truth that I know is all around me. Peace I have been out of touch with for too long. I have to find a way to function in the reality of work Without losing the sense of peace that I know is real. It breaks my heart to feel the uncontrollable emotions well up inside my chest, down deep in my stomach. Knowing they are unfounded. They are wrong. I want desperately to beat them back into submission, to put permanent reigns on my emotions. I am at such a loss. My head buys into the lies and says that if I don't listen to my gut I will find myself, my girls in that desperate place again. Alone and destroyed. Not again. There is truth. I have it. I won't let it go. Is it the season changing? The miles and hours out of touch? The restless, sleepless short nights? I have to fight this monster. Is it just hormones? Is it just the only response I have left to combat the daily pain with? I need help. I need to be home. One more day. One more step. One more short night and All the rest will be long. Will be true. Will be real. One more.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
fuzzy
I got up this morning with all these great intentions in my head for getting stuff done. Somewhere around 9:17, a thick bank of grey clouds rolled into my head and made it impossible. To do pretty much anything.
This has been a rough week. I feel like hell. Luckily I have very obvious hormonal reasons that I can blame for most of my issues, but I sure wish they would go away. I don't like wasting time feeling crappy and acting crappy.
The hardest part is not being able to get my brain to function. I really honestly can't force my brain to stay focused long enough to get though a sentence. For example, it took me a moment to figure out how to spell GET in the last sentence. Ridiculous. I am taking all of my vitamins, and I even made an extra large batch of extra potent beet-apple-pear-carrot-kale-ginger-lemon-cucumber juice for lunch. Give me another 48 hours and I will be fine? I hope. So does Josh.
What I should probably do is go for a walk in the sunshine. But just walking to the kitchen feels like a Major Life Event right now. How stupid. I hate being a girl. Maybe if I put my sweatpants back on I would feel better. Especially if wearing sweatpants was closely followed by a nap.
I decided to get started on a Real Blogsite today. One that I make myself. But I got lost halfway through and EXTREMELY frustrated. So that is shelved until later. Or tomorrow. Not sure what to do with myself today. Maybe I will stagger out into the sunny yard and fall asleep. Then I will have guilt for all the Things I need to do. Even though I can't remember any of them.
This has been a rough week. I feel like hell. Luckily I have very obvious hormonal reasons that I can blame for most of my issues, but I sure wish they would go away. I don't like wasting time feeling crappy and acting crappy.
The hardest part is not being able to get my brain to function. I really honestly can't force my brain to stay focused long enough to get though a sentence. For example, it took me a moment to figure out how to spell GET in the last sentence. Ridiculous. I am taking all of my vitamins, and I even made an extra large batch of extra potent beet-apple-pear-carrot-kale-ginger-lemon-cucumber juice for lunch. Give me another 48 hours and I will be fine? I hope. So does Josh.
What I should probably do is go for a walk in the sunshine. But just walking to the kitchen feels like a Major Life Event right now. How stupid. I hate being a girl. Maybe if I put my sweatpants back on I would feel better. Especially if wearing sweatpants was closely followed by a nap.
I decided to get started on a Real Blogsite today. One that I make myself. But I got lost halfway through and EXTREMELY frustrated. So that is shelved until later. Or tomorrow. Not sure what to do with myself today. Maybe I will stagger out into the sunny yard and fall asleep. Then I will have guilt for all the Things I need to do. Even though I can't remember any of them.
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