Struggles

I don't want to go back. I am at war with my own mind, and body, obviously. I have been so much better. So much better that I barely recognized the old monster when she started to raise her head again. The pain is as bad as it's ever been. The worry, doubt, paranoia - physically identifiable feeling of fear that makes my whole body buzz. I know it is irrational. I know it's unfounded. I know that I am exhausted. Exhausted from pain, from lack of sleep, from worry. One more shift on this fire and I will be home. I will be able to breathe deeply the truth that I know is all around me. Peace I have been out of touch with for too long. I have to find a way to function in the reality of work Without losing the sense of peace that I know is real. It breaks my heart to feel the uncontrollable emotions well up inside my chest, down deep in my stomach. Knowing they are unfounded. They are wrong. I want desperately to beat them back into submission, to put permanent reigns on my emotions. I am at such a loss. My head buys into the lies and says that if I don't listen to my gut I will find myself, my girls in that desperate place again. Alone and destroyed. Not again. There is truth. I have it. I won't let it go. Is it the season changing? The miles and hours out of touch? The restless, sleepless short nights? I have to fight this monster. Is it just hormones? Is it just the only response I have left to combat the daily pain with? I need help. I need to be home. One more day. One more step. One more short night and All the rest will be long. Will be true. Will be real. One more.

fuzzy

I got up this morning with all these great intentions in my head for getting stuff done. Somewhere around 9:17, a thick bank of grey clouds rolled into my head and made it impossible. To do pretty much anything.

This has been a rough week. I feel like hell. Luckily I  have very obvious hormonal reasons that I can blame for most of my issues, but I sure wish they would go away. I don't like wasting time feeling crappy and acting crappy.

The hardest part is not being able to get my brain to function. I really honestly can't force my brain to stay focused long enough to get though a sentence. For example, it took me a moment to figure out how to spell GET in the last sentence. Ridiculous. I am taking all of my vitamins, and I even made an extra large batch of extra potent beet-apple-pear-carrot-kale-ginger-lemon-cucumber juice for lunch. Give me another 48 hours and I will be fine? I hope. So does Josh.

What I should probably do is go for a walk in the sunshine. But just walking to the kitchen feels like a Major Life Event right now. How stupid. I hate being a girl. Maybe if I put my sweatpants back on I would feel better. Especially if wearing sweatpants was closely followed by a nap.

I decided to get started on a Real Blogsite today. One that I make myself. But I got lost halfway through and EXTREMELY frustrated. So that is shelved until later. Or tomorrow. Not sure what to do with myself today. Maybe I will stagger out into the sunny yard and fall asleep. Then I will have guilt for all the Things I need to do. Even though I can't remember any of them.

inching ahead

I know I am way behind. There is so much to catch up on. I guess the cool thing is that nothing vitally important happened. Except that I quit my job (yay!) and I got married (again {YAY!}) and we moved.  (YAYYY!!!) and stuff.

First lets get the boring stuff out of the way: I am doing well. I am emotionally stable. Almost too stable. Which means that I am stable enough that Josh thinks he can get away with all kinds of nothandlingmewithkidgloves type behavior and I am not much into that. So every once in awhile I have to pretend to be emotionally fragile just to keep him in check. Just kidding. I don't really do that. I think.

Physically I have tons of energy, I generally feel good, and I am FINALLY starting to lose weight. Trying not to get too excited, but with a little more exercise (I have decide to like riding bikes) and switching out a meal a day for fresh vegetable/fruit juice, I am starting to see some consistent dropping. Not as fast as I would like, but hey, at this point, I will take whatever I can get.

The weird undiagnosed pain in my lower left abdomen is still there. After a few more doctors visits that included a colonoscopy (thank you never again), we are concluding that it is some sort of a muscle tear in a deep abdominal muscle. It sort of makes sense, since rest helps it, abstaining from ALL activity, etc, but I still don't get why it goes extra crazy around thattimeofthemonth, and also thatothertimeofthemonth. It's weird. But I am tired of looking. Although I did just find out that I have insurance for another 6 months or so, and I am thinking a hysterectomy would be a wise choice. At least then I would have one less thattimeofthemonth to worry about.

while not having the emotional upheaval to worry about  (seriously, I don't even recognize who I was a few months ago) is a massive relief, I have still been determined to get to the root of some of my health issues. I heard about a juice fast/cleanse/diet from a friend and the amazing results. Josh and I watched a documentary called Fat, Tired and Nearly Dead and it was interesting. We started slowly working fresh juice into our diet and eliminating some of the chronic junk. I am noticing that all the deep fried stuff is really (and literally?) killing me. My stomach doesn't like it. I also am still having a rough time with fruit, but really trying to weigh out if the consequences are worth the benefits.... the jury is still out on that one.

Whatever it is that I am doing right now seems to be working. I have had several people in the last few days comment on how "healthy" I look. partially I suppose because my sunburn has evolved to tan, and I'd like to give credit to the blonde highlights I got before the "wedding".

Oh! Wedding/party/reception thingy. Yes, It was fun. Mostly. Josh was a little uncooperative, I think mostly because he didn't like the idea of our (somewhat troubled in his mind still) relationship being in the spotlight. He was all about a party, sort of. Except the part about buying food and stuff. It really was great to have all of my family in one place and we had an awesome time. I don't like to look at any of the pictures with me in them because I remember feeling so much less FAT when I was there. But oh well. It will give me something to look back on and go WOW, right?

I quit my regular job at the forest service. Mostly because I realized that I can make more in two weeks on a fire than I can working two months at  my regular wage INCLUDING fire time as an employee, so I am going back to my status as an emergency hire for the FS. Love it. I love love love not having to get up in the morning, or be anywhere, or clean toilets (even though I have been doing it as a volunteer since I quit) (what? I had guilt for leaving them in the lurch?) or do anything I don't sign up for. It's great. I need to see about getting a job of some sort this fall, but for now, I am waiting on fires (just got a call to go to Oakridge...) and loving summer.

Also - we moved into a bigger place that has a yard like a park. I love it. In fact, some days, I don't want to go anywhere. Except then it gets really hot and so I don't mind getting out. Josh did pretty much all of the moving (which I also loved) while I was gone - and now I owe him forever.

Anyway, more later, gotta go pack for a fire!

Things that are...

Better: I have energy. I am happy. I actually like life again. I even love my husband. ;) My period is (so far) about 1/2 the intensity it used to be, on all levels, pain, bleeding, emotional wreckage. Maybe less than half, but I'll allow some wiggle room.

The same: the pain in my lower left abdomen is back. I think I did something to reinjure it, and my pain by evening time most days is pretty awesome.

Worse: um... Nothing??

I haven't written anything in a while, I've been crazy busy, working full time, finishing up my last school reports, running around on the weekends doing all sorta of craziness, buying new cars, getting ready to move (into a bigger house), and basically enjoying life. The kids are at their dad's for the summer, and I can't say I'm not loving the break. Just me and Jish, and no guilt if we skip out for happy hour and don't come back til after karaoke is over.

I'm doing archaeology surveys for the forest service, and I really enjoy tromping around the forest by myself, except on says like today, when it's pouring down rain. I'm sitting in the car - hoping to wait it out... Not really confident that the sun will reappear.

The job dilemma is still that. Neither Josh nor I have nailed down anything decisively, still a lot up in the air, but since we decided to stay in Bend I have a pretty solid feeling at least. I'm not worried. I'm sad Josh has to keep building for now, but I know things will work themselves out.

I think I'm almost ready for a fire dispatch, which is good since things are starting to heat up...

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The Everybodyfields - Lonely Anywhere

Check out this video on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXQ1rhzUjls&feature=youtube_gdata_player


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Epihpanies and Illiopsoas Muscles

Blahhhh! After 12 years in classes of some sort or another, 5 different majors, 4 different schools, a million headaches and frustrations balancing full time work, full time kids, full time school and full time emotional basketcase, I just received a passing grade on my last critical assignment before I graduate on May 11th. I know bachelors degrees are run of the mill these days, and honestly, it represents $50K in debt more than success or the garauntee of a good job, but still, hey, I did it. I cannot tell you the relief I feel. I am not sure that if I hadn't had Josh here for the last few terms, pushing me and buying in 100%, that I wouldn't have quit just before the finish line. I was pretty burnt out. So I guess I have to give him credit. At least part. :)

I am so excited. To not have school. To find some work I like (after the summer). To move. To feel better. To be less... miserable.

I saw a chiropractor the other day who adjusted my back (I had 4 ribs out and he called my lumbar a 2nd grade strain) but what was really cool was the physical therapist he works with called me out on my Psoas Muscle, the hip flexor that attaches near the lumbar/thorassic transition and winds through the abdomen/pelvic cavity and attaches at the top of the inside of the femur. Referred pain from a damaged illiopsoas can be felt in the lower back and LOW PELVIS, for men, even testicularly. What if all this ouch down there on the left side is a pulled or torn muscle that I have been abusing? It makes sense with the activity induced pain. We shall see. I am going back for some more therapy, and have stretching and strengthening assignments. And MUST GET BACK TO YOGA!!!

It's hard for me to stay focused at work, partially because I am ADD and partially because I am ready to move on. I am absolutely amazed at the difference in my energy level - I have no idea what to attribute that to so I am going to give credit to the surgery. I actually WANT to do things. All kinds of things. Like running and skipping and things that are hard for me. We hiked up Pilot Butte last night. Not a huge mountain, but enough for me to be proud of! Today it's raining, which dulls my enthusiasm, but I will probably find something to do.

I am still off of sugar, dairy and grains. But I am counting the minutes to Saturday when I have decided to let cheese back into my life. What is Cinco De Mayo without cheese? Seriously? I. Can't. Wait. I have been fantasizing about chips and salsa and beans and rice for days.

Ok, I gotta go hook up a big trailer to a big truck to pick up a big tent for a big event this weekend. Wish I could just go shopping and meet some friends for lunch. Too bad you're all so far away!

Jolking and Dogs

Day 4 of my "cleanse" diet. I have cut out sugar, dairy and grains. I miss cheese. I don't really miss sugar - except every once in awhile the idea of a big chocolate cupcake completely preoccupies me. I got some good hiking in the other day when I had to go find a motorcycle racer with a broken wrist ------>.
 I felt like I really wasn't hurting from it, but today I am kinda rough. But that was on Sunday, so... Anyway, after a week I will probably allow cheese and yogurt. Maybe corn, that's the grain I most miss. Chips and Salsa...

I am kind of antsy, and want to start running - or jolking. That's a patent pending cross between jogging and walking. But I am afraid of the consequences. Today I will take Truck and Steve (I renamed Josh's dog from Emmy to Steve. I respect her more now.) for a walk and that will be consequence enough for a week. Truck is a bully on a leash and Steve just rides her brakes the whole way. Plus they both think they need to poop every three blocks, and I am not good at picking up poop. If I can find a way to justify not picking it up, I will. "oh, I don't have a bag! dangit!" "oh, it's in the weeds way off the road". Josh HATES this about me. I am one "of those" people. I am. I admit it. I will endure the shame if it means I don't have to pick up poop. It makes me throw up. No really, it does.

Maybe we will walk to Old Navy since there is incentive on the other end. Of course if I buy anything, a) I will have to carry it back and b) I will have a bag with which to pick up poop. Hmm. dilemma.

Other than my lower left pain, I am feeling great. Oh, and my back is hurting again, and my digestive system is still screwy, but I just ordered Dr. Mercola's NewStart Cleanse so I will let you know how that goes. I feel like I definitely need a restart. And I have a chiropractor appointment today in case it's an alignment issue contributing to the pain - that seems like too easy of a fix though.

Progress

Ok, so, the day after my silly one mile walk test, I was in pain again. A lot of pain. Which means whatever it is that was hurting me before only quit because I was doing nothing, and when I do something, anything, it hurts again.

It's nice to be able to eliminate certain problems that would have been easily diagnosed during surgery, and to be honest, as I'm healing up, I feel more evened out every day. Evened out, as in, I am only ripping Josh's head off once or twice a day instead of all day long, and which I can tell is helping because he's hiding from me a whole lot less. :)

The problem of the returning pain has inspired me to start another elimination/cleanse diet to see if flushing my system of some of the toxic stuff I consume helps. Considering the pain is activity aggravated I am not super hopeful, but I think I'll feel better without grains and dairy and sugar in my diet for awhile anyway.

I am also coming to terms with the fact that I have to start exercising again, regardless of the pain. I can't keep letting my muscles atrophe and my blobbiness expand, because the reality is I'll probably be in pain no matter what but I'm letting a whole new realm of issues creep in. Needless to say, the prospect of any workout is extremely non-fantastic, and makes me want to take a really long nap.

I have virtually no pain from the surgery itself, which, for three weeks out feels pretty good. I've also noticed my appetite is way smaller and my face isn't breaking out as much. Maybe incidentals, but who knows. Even after a week of brewpubs in Hood River I don't feel massively bloated and horrible. It's been way easier to quit eating when I'm full. Unless it's mushroom bruschetta from Cebu Lounge at the Hood River Inn.

I'm back to full on work now, my Doctor's orders expire on Tuesday and I have no more whimp out excuses. I am not looking forward to the ramifications of that, because 9 hours of almost anything COHVOPS makes me pretty crabby by dinner time. Although I do notice the pain is usually the worst about 24 hours after I do something physical. Luckily we have lots of events coming up so all I have to do is drive around and smile at people. So that eats up work hours.

I hate to admit I'm secretly excited to finish my internship and move on from this job. My brain is tired of doing nothing. Speaking of events, I'm sitting in the truck at the China Hat ISDE which stands for some sort of motorcycles race, watching tons of people run around on dirt bikes excitedly. It almost makes me wish I rode. Almost. Mostly it makes me want to take a nap.

BTW, in spite of all the nap talk, I have noticed my energy is much better - and I haven't been taking my vitamins! I have been going to bed earlier... Gosh I feel old some days.

Guess I'll go find my partner who is running around with his dirt bike buddies, and pretend to work for awhile.



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So, I should have gone to work today. Or rather, I COULD have gone to work today. It is my "scheduled day off", since we work 5/4 9 hour days, except that I missed Monday, and Tuesday, and part of Friday last week. So the hours would have been good. But then I wouldn't have had time to take two quizzes and a test, and drink my coffee out of a real mug, and change my clothes three times, and watch video clips from the new season of The Office, since I feel guilty watching any real episodes without Josh.

But it is nice. So nice, to have a day to get caught up on all the laundry - which Josh already did. And the housecleaning, which I am successfully avoiding. And the errands I am going to run (any second now) with poor MacKenzie who hasn't left the house all week and thinks she might grow lichens soon if she doesn't do something.

The sun is out. That, in and of itself makes it a good day.

I have been hurting more, again, maybe because I am trying to move more, do more, push myself, and maybe the pain on my left side went away because I was doing absolutely nothing for several days. Maybe that's what I am supposed to do always, absolutely nothing. That is one thing I am good at.

In spite of the returning old pain, the surgery stuff is getting exponentially better: I can sneeze now without cussing. I can get up and down almost all day without wincing and moaning (although sometimes I do it just for dramatic effect anyway). And I got new jeans. Which makes EVERYTHING better.

I have been trying to be careful what I eat in some useless attempt to cut back on my calories and start trying to whittle away at all this extra weight in lieu of all the exercise I am not getting. It is VERY discouraging. And I am NOT good at it. Because I like food and I love to eat. Mostly good food. Not healthy, skinny food. I like gravy, and dairy products. I have been successfully weaning myself off of most of the pain killers, but weaning myself off of delicious foods that do me Absolutely No Good is something I am not sure I can do.

Speaking of drugs, since I ran out of prescription pain killers I decided to stop taking them. Ok I was forced. They make life so much easier, but maybe my body will begin to heal itself and patch some things together if I can flush my system of the chemicals that pollute it. I have still been taking a dose of ibuprofen daily, once the pain gets bad enough that I realize I am really hating life, but honestly, it just upsets my stomach and doesn't do a whole lot for the pain, so I am reserving it mostly for bedtime to help me sleep. Since lying still is when the pain becomes paramount in my mind. I think there is always this curiosity in me to see if I can "get off" of prescription pain killers, in case I got addicted on this round. I like watching for withdrawal symptoms, and then when I get mean and snap at Josh I can blame Those Terrible Drugs instead of my own impatience and lack of self government. It is nice to have a scape goat. I don't really feel withdrawally, but I will retain the excuse just in case. Part of me would Really like to find a way to get my prescription refilled, because it just is easier. But part of me knows that it's so much better for me if I can do without. But one pill is so much cheaper and more convenient than a session with an acupuncturist, or a massage, or whatever weird thing crosses my mind to try to alleviate the pain. Like a yoga class. Or a bottle of wine (should that be a glass?).

I think now that I will go run those errands. Or actually drive them. But I might try to actually go for a "Walk" today, like a recreational one. For exercise. With dogs. It sounds painful, but sort of nice.

For the record, I do feel like I am evening out emotionally. I think the effects of the depo are finally subsiding and while I still have moments of absolute absurdity, it is getting easier to choose my responses. Part of that is just exhaustion after 9 hours of work and realizing I owe my family dinner and I just don't have the energy to pick a fight. In fact, I have been tired enough that we have eaten out almost every night this week, and I certainly haven't cooked anything. One night I went to bed without dinner. I guess I have made Kizzie cook - it's nice having Cinderella back. I can't say that the turmoil in our house is really subsiding (which I still take full responsibility for), but I feel like maybe I can see a light at the end of the tunnel that offers hope for some peace. I hope that light isn't the iconic beacon of demise for either myself or Poor Josh... I am pretty sure we'll make it. ;)

Day 4

So. I've been home from North Carolina for a couple of days. I've been sore, it's been hard to get around, and I've been frustrated and depressed. I'm attributing that entirely to the fact that I am A) a huge baby and intolerant of limitations and B) I'm extremely spoiled and demanding.

In short, about North Carolina, although I plan to write in greater detail about my experience there: Dr. Berger was awesome. He was inquisitive, he listened and for the first time in a while I felt like I found a Doctor Who was a little bit interested in my Whole Health, not just in making me fertile again (which was something I had feared, traveling cross continent to a Tubal Reversal Center). He made no promises but offered to do a more thorough exam than customary for their routine reversals, looking for the causes of some of my symptoms. While for the most part he found nothing he could pinpoint as direct issue when he did the reversal, the surgery went well and the resectioning was successful.

I am afraid to say it out loud, and I will admit I am still on ibuprofen and hydrocodone fairly steadily, but the burning pain in my lower left abdomen is either swallowed by the incision pain or (Lord God Let It Be) it is better. I mean, pre-op, this pain was constant and overriding in spite of heavier doses of painkillers. What if, somehow, blood flow to that side had gotten really tweaked and maybe, just maybe surgery helped? Have you ever slept with your ear bent against your head in a way it's not supposed to go for a long time and when you wake up, it Really Hurts as circulation tries to reinitiate. What if that was kinda the same thing, only it was part of my ovary that I slept on funny and it's finally getting the blood supply it's sposed to. I don't know. Maybe? BTW, I hope that ear thing isn't just me. But it hurts like a son of a gun.

I have had a pretty crappy attitude since I got home. I know feeling bloated and swollen and looking and waking pregnant doesn't usually perk women up, but I guess I should be trying harder to let the hope and the Slightest Tinge of a Feeling that things are getting back to good creep in and at least make me nice to people. I wasn't really expecting balloons and flowers when I got home but as I lay trapped on my back in bed the first morning home (try getting upright without using an muscles) I felt slightly abandoned. I made it out of bed, through a painful and wobbly shower, under Aspen's supervision, and somehow ended up on the couch, but most of the rest of Friday was a dopey blur. I knew Josh was going to work, but somehow the fact that he just left me, with my medicine worn off and no cream in the house for coffee, really sent me into a tilta-whirl pity party and I probably wasn't The Nicest Wife Ever when he came home. It wasn't like I got my tonsils out and deserved stuffed bunnies and Get Well Soon cards with pictures of severely dated daisies on them, but I guess I was spoiled by mom and thought somebody aught to at least get my breakfast for me.

My sister did make me a get well present. Which I'm sure is in the mail. I'm pretty excited about it. It's a jean skirt made out of some of my old Liv jeans that were torn to shreds. But you know Em, she's a genius with a sewing machine.

I will say this, before I forget: North Carolina was beautiful. I really like Cheerwine, and in spite of my bad attitude, I do think that good is right there. Just around the corner.

Also, as an addendum, and to clear up any consternation, curiosity or budding rays of hope, Josh is fixed, so there will be no baby Westons in our future, barring a cruel trick by a mean God who seems to have it out for me sometimes anyway. ;)

On the other side

Have I told you about my mom? I am the first one to insist that there is no such thing as a perfect mother. If I believed in a perfect mother it would be ever so much harder to escape the haunting need to become that person, so for my own peace of mind I discard the idea altogether. I have to say though, I have a mom who comes pretty darn close. Not that she has always been so close to perfect - casting no unknown shadow or disparity on my mom, she is the first to admit her failures and shortcomings raising 6 children entirely at home without the reprieve of sending them away to school on a daily basis. She persevered through 6 children of highly developed intellect and opinion, perhaps to her credit, not a soft thinker in the lot of us. My mom foraged her way in the frontier of home education with 6 different learning styles and personalities, not all of them forgiving and certainly not all of them easy to understand or agree with.

Surviving the formidable 30 some odd years of this lifestyle, she warred through the difficulties of uncovering all of the solutions-turned-nemeses presented to parents in such a pursuit. Every next-best-thing could be the answer to child rearing or the key to blowing your family into a bajillion pieces. As a family, we encountered all levels. I know a lot of families. Families that shared our background, families as different from ours as one could imagine, and for all of the trying in every family to "do the best thing", I can honestly say for certain I have not witnessed one family get it all right yet. It certainly won't be my family.

But back to my mom. After enduring the heartache of losing some of her children to lofty and disgustingly human ideals, and some to pure physical tragedy, she is now, by and large, restored to all of her living children and each one adores her. Not without the memories of the blemishes that we all smudged the past with, as both she and we as her children have inflicted damage, but we are all here, voluntarily in happy relationship with her (and dad of course, but this is about mom).

The beautiful thing about mom is that somewhere along the way, she came to terms with the fact that failure and imperfection were unavoidable, but the one thing that she could have some control over was the impact she had on the world around her by the personal choices she makes, choices about attitudes and responses and priorities. I have watched my mom weep tears for each of my grown siblings, including myself, and know with no uncertainty that there is no length that she would go to to spare us of unnecessary suffering. Not that she would seek to shelter us from the natural consequences of our poor decisions -although I have seen her struggle with even that admission of pain to her children. But after years of pouring her life into us she still seeks ways to give of herself to make us happy.

I will always remember the indignance that my mom had at the sight of the bumper sticker On RVs that gloated "I'm spending my children's inheritance". My mom hated that attitude. She hated that idea. I love that my parents are finally financially comfortable, only through years of hard work and sacrifice on both of their parts, but I am secure in the fact that they would give up all of that comfort in a heartbeat if one of us was in jeopardy. And there is just enough Nancy Drew left in my mom that I know she has a back up plan for the whole family if this crazy world ever went bellyup.

I guess the fact that my mom shelled out $6000 and flew across the country with me for a long shot surgery that MIGHT make my life more bearable speaks volumes to me about where her priorities are. I feel loved. I feel special. I feel cared for. And although in this second maybe my brothers and sisters can't say she has done the same for them (all though most would), they know that there would be no question but that she would for them as well. And even if she didn't, for whatever reason, how could I not do the same for someone else, or any other one of us that she has helped so selflessly? Mom is the example of imperfect selflessness that I believe we all would like to become, and I am fiercely proud of her.

So I know there are no perfect moms, but I would submit, for the record, that mine is pretty dang close. Except we don't say dang.

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Laminating and Other Joys

After an uneventful day of driving all over the county to deliver ATV trail maps, I came back to the office with one plan: lamination. There is something about laminating things that feels so... Permanent. So successful. When one uses the laminator properly. I formulated a list in my mind of all if the things I could laminate. Many things. Things that never knew they needed to be laminated. In the office we have three laminators. A teeny tiny ID card sized one, a medium regular paper sized one, and a monster map laminator that would take up the entire free corner in my bedroom. I like them all. Unfortunately, my laminating hopes were dashed when I couldn't find the sleeves for the medium sized laminator, I only had one ID card to laminate and nothing on my lamination list justified warming up the giant laminator and wasting 12 inches of plastic on either side of my page. So I have to content my self with writing, since other than taking hours of unnecessary training online, it is the only other thing I can think to do.

It's been a hard week. I've been in a lot of pain, and whether that's because we went traipsing across the world to visit mom and dad last weekend, or because I was grooming on an ATV in the cold wind and whooped out trails ("whoop" is a technical term for a dip-and-swell series of large potholes in a trail, for all you non-OHVers), or because I'm coming off of the depo shot and my body has NO idea what it's supposed to be doing now other than causing agonizing pain, I have no idea. But it sucks.

I think if I keep messing with it enough maybe my body will give up and retreat into early menopause, which I've been told is the only cure for Adnomyosis, short of hysterectomy. Of course menopause brings with it a whole new set of issues, which at present, I don't (and Josh DEFINITELY doesn't) want to deal with. All though I can't imagine the mood swings being any worse than they are now. The thought reduces josh to tears. Poor guy. He's put up with a lot. Of course in my present condition I'd like to imagine I am the one enduring abuse and suffering, but if I assume that I am no more rational now than I was the other night when I contemplated stabbing myself in the ovary to force the doctors to operate on me and figure out what's wrong, then I realize that reality is usually 180 degrees from my perspective at any given moment. So I repeat: poor Josh.

I realize that I really obliterate conciseness when I write. My sentences seem to never end. I would apologize, but I don't really see the point since I have every intention of continuing in my transgression.

I guess since I'm still getting paid right now I should go see if I can find something really big to laminate.

My surgery is 6 days away. Em says I should be basking in the blissful hope that everything will be better after it. I feel like I don't dare to hope for that much, but maybe. Just maybe.

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Blitzen Trapper - "The Tree" http://vimeo.com/15569568 About this video: "Music video for "The Tree" by Blitzen Trapper Off their new album Destroyer of the Void. DIRECTED BY Daniel Elkayam PRODUCED BY Cody Wetherill DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY Brian McKee (c) 2010"

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LOVE,

Hound

Sick Day

Today I woke up in pain. A lot of pain. Whether it was from digging 8 post holes or pounding 10 carsonite posts into the ground, or hiking around in 38 lbs of clothes to try to stay warm in the snow, or something else, I don't know. But I grudgingly rolled myself out of bed, stuffed my aching body into the first clothes I could find on the floor, put on my most comfortable running shoes that I have fantasies about running in, loaded up my coffee cup and my yogurt and headed to work. I was thinking it would get better, or even if it didn't I would just be sitting in the office publishing the newsletter, which allows for a certain level of simultaneous suffering. Instead, my temporary "supervisor" informed me I was going back out into the cold and snow, for a fun filled day of more sign building and even some trail blazing. "don't forget your saw!".

Here's the thing: I have a cool job. My job involves riding 4 wheelers (and maybe dirt bikes eventually) on some amazing trails in some of the most beautiful forest in the country. It involves building new trails, hacking limbs off of trees, pulling, cutting, digging brush, rolling logs and rocks out of the way, then spinning the tires on the quads all along the new trail to "burn it in". Who wouldn't want my job? How cool to be paid to hike, get dirty, ride ATVs and originate trail systems that will be ridden for many generations. It's an awesome job. As I sat there this morning, contemplating the pain in my lower left gut, the feeling of a serrated knife sawing slowly in a hot circle around my left ovary, I thought about hitching up a 2000 lb trailer, loading and unloading quads, lifting 70 lb (no exaggerating) steel ramps twice for each four wheeler. I'm supposed to have a 25lb limitation because of my rotator cuff injury, but far be it from me the "whimp out" or be the weak one. I thought about shoveling two feet into the rocky, frozen ground for each post, and using my burning abdomen to stabilize myself riding barely imagined trails. Ideas in the dirt and brush really. It all hurt too much. I told my "supervisor" I couldn't do it. I was sick. How do I explain to a 28 year old, micro managing, overhead ass-kissing, two faced, power hungry punk that I can't do my job because some unseen part of my female anatomy is KILLING me, and each rock that the quad crawls over feeds the hungry pain to make it stronger. All he hears from me is: "I'm sick. I can't. I'll try tomorrow." And he heaves a sigh about the mistake of hiring some old broken girl who can't keep up. Or I imagine he does. I leave with my chin up, but tears sneaking out of the corner of my eyes. I can count the number of times I've called in sick, for really being sick, on one hand. It's shameful for me. Its painful. It hurts my pride. To be weak and useless. To admit that I CAN'T do something.

The thing is, I could've. Normally, I would have. But somehow, today, I was tired. I was at the end of my ego. The bottom of my desperation to be a vital asset of the Combined Off Highway Vehicle Operations team. I guess I was over it.

Now I'm sitting on my couch. I'm still in pain. I have the fire on (don't tell josh), my heated blanket and my hound dog. My computer can't talk to the Internet for some reason, so my plans for productivity and completing gobs of homework are more or less shot. I made crisp out of the almost too far gone pears. I made granola to mix with the yogurt that I eat every day (BTW - I really think eating a dose of Greek yogurt every day is helping me feel better, less hungry, cleaner. Highly recommend). I wrote a statement for the hospital application for assistance with our oppressive ER bills from December when we racked up $8000 in debt to find out exactly NOTHING. I got my Oregon State EMT application almost put together. I guess I haven't been totally useless. But there's always this afternoon. I feel a nap and a Bones marathon creeping up like a cocker spaniel inching her way to a corner of a heated blanket.

I love that the sun is out. I am glad I overcame my pride and came home. Maybe I'll never go back.

But probably I will.

Because I Can

Gaining Ground?

I feel a little more solid today - whether that is the sunshine and warm weather, the visit from Mom and Dad, the new TV :), or the fact that the stupid Depo shot might be wearing off, I am not sure, but I will take it. The pain is no better, but when I can be friendly and cheerful, even to Josh, in spite of the pain, I know I am doing better. Some days just the thought of smiling has turned my stomach. Of course, some of it has to do with the effort he is putting in to loving me and being unconditionally tolerant and non-reactive. Which he probably deserves a medal for.

I started back into my silly little weight routine, mostly because I can feel my bad shoulder (rotator cuff injury) getting weak again and I can't afford to let it slip. The core exercises make the pain intensify, but so does going to the grocery store, so I feel like it's a trade off I need to make. I really need to get back into yoga again, I think I felt better all over when I was going regularly, even though finding the time and energy to get there is kind of a big deal these days.

I shipped MacKenzie (the 9th grader) off with my parents to spend a few months with my sister, where hopefully she will be able to stay out of trouble. I am hoping that not dealing with the daily drama of her escapades will open up more time and peace to give to the other kids and alleviate a little of the household stress. We will miss her though. I already do. Especially when I realize how much more cooking I will have to do. She really is my right hand. Halle is more like my big toe. Useful and necessary I suppose, but not in any noticeable way.

Today I don't work, but I do have a big presentation that is due for school. Nothing I hate worse than talking in front of a camera to NoOne. But once I get it over with I only have one more to dread and then I will be ALL DONE WITH SCHOOL. Except for the blasted business plan. Drat.

I dressed emmy up in Aspen's sock monkey shirt, because I thought it would be funny. It was. Little things like this would never have even occurred to me a week ago, much less made me smile. I'll take that as improvement.

Don't lose Sight

Don't lose sight of the fact that everything you feel, especially in your twisted, irrational state, means nothing compared to the security and stability and safety and happiness of your girls. And the example you set for them. Choose happiness and contentment. Overcome your feelings. Be stronger than the hormones that rage and the fears that plague you. What you feel in this moment means nothing in the big picture of who you want to be. Choose to overcome. With each word that rises to the surface, see the faces of your daughters, longing for peace. Choose peace. Choose to lay down even the strongest feeling - it only seeks to destroy you. You cannot trust your mind or your soul in this time. You have no choice but to trust those that are around you. You must do this.

Sent from my iPhone

Disclaimer:

I DO not shirk responsibility for my vile actions. I am spending $125 a week to see a counselor, trying to stem my irrational responses and not punish my family for my pain. Lest my audience think any of my behavior is justified in my mind or excuseable. I know I am solely accountable for my actions and words. I am not proud of the person I have become.

Beginning at the end.

I am starting this blog in the greatest hope that I will look back one year from now and weep tears of relief. For those of you that know me, some of the back history will be redundant. Some who knew me ten years ago might hardly recognize me today. I have struggled with where to start my story, and being overwhelmed, I feel like the end that I have found myself at is as good a place as any to begin.

I am 34 years old. I feel like I am 50. I have had four healthy children, no miscarriages (for which I am always grateful) no C sections or other major obstacles. Until a little more than 8 years ago, I was an active, healthy, energetic mom, with my share of emotional turmoil resultant from a crappy marriag, too many kids too soon and a decade in a cult, but nonetheless, my complaints were minor.

Today, I am 4o pounds heavier than my constant weight (after every baby). I have been "diagnosed" with IBS, depression, adenomyosis, ovarian cysts, pelvic inflammatory disease and a myriad of other little nuisance issues. My once clear face has become scarred with several years of battling acne. My hair falls out in handfulls. I am bloated most days to the point that I have a numbeer of comebacks prepared for the inevitable questions sbout my baby's due date. Every month, worsening consistently over the last 8 years, I deal with an 8-10 day hell of excruciating pain, excessive bleeding and unbearable moodiness. During ovulation I can look forward to the same moodiness and horrifying pain. I am exhausted beyond words. I am physically, emotionally and psychologically drained. I have become a monster to my family. I have destroyed countless relationships and continue to wreak havoc even when I know that very word coming out of my mouth is irrational. I took Prozac for two years after the end of a long term relationship, and while it muted all of my other emotions, for the first time in years I felt as if I could chose my responses to things in my life. I have been off of Prozac for over a year and a half and feel more out of control and helpless with my emotional responses that ever before. Beginning last October, a stabbing pain settled in to my lower left abdomen, right about where my ovary might be. The pain has steadily increased over the months, driving me (uninsured) to the ER for a wasted $8000 in bills and no diagnosis other than "see some sort of a specialist". The ER doc couldn't even pin down what kind of a specialist I needed to see, maybe a shrink? The gynecologist says it's "just" my adenoymosis (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/Adenomyosis/DS00636), which of course can be excruciating, gets worse over time, oh, yeah, and has a MUCH higher incidence in women with tubaligations. At this point, I get out of bed in the AM with my pain level being at about a 2/10. I am trying to stay off of pain meds (since I am sure the have wreaked their own havoc) during the day, but after a nine hour work day I come home, make dinner, and by 6:30 pm I usually hit about an 8/10. Out come the drugs, wine, heat packs, sleeping pills, threats to kick my poor bewildered husband out, early bedtimes for kids and any other fight I can pick to avoid the hot, serrated blade in my lower abdomen. This is EVERY night right now. I notice an evening of relief. It is beautiful. It usually shows up after three whiskey sours and two hydro codone. Josh likes those nights.

It is hard for me to reconcile blaming all of these changes on one small procedure, and yet, after attempting countless elimination diets, excersize regimes, medications, diagnostic procedures, I have yet to nail down why and how my body has gone to hell. Obviously I have jumped through the requisite hoops of repenting to god and accepting my plight as consequence for my evil life, but I have found once again that even when I behave well the consequences increase. I don't know why I thought that would work this time. Desperation I guess.

After many years of sucking it up, taking pain meds, going to work very day because I had no choice, raising four girls mostly on my own and becoming exhausted and bitter, I guess my family heard my cries (or insolent demands) for help and started seeking answers on my behalf. Finally I am too tired to protest and have to agree that all of the things I read about Post Tubaligation Syndrome are too coincidental to ignore. Testimony after testimony from women who have gone through the same hell, sometimes worse. The day after Aspen was born, I had a Tubaligation. I was assured that there were no side effects, and even when I went to my doctor within the first year after because my metabolism had tanked and mya face ws breaking out, he said that Tubaligation cannot be the cause for any of it, and my hormones must have changed after my last baby. Who was I to argue?

I cannot say with confidence that my tubal is to blame for any or all of this hell, but I intend to find out. Thanks to my devoted mother (and sister) who have all but made the decision for me, I am scheduled for a tubal reversal on April 4th, 2012. I am excited. If the reversal cuts the pain in half, or stabilizes my crazy ridiculous mood swings before I get divorced agin, it will be worth every penny (right, mom?).

I will keep a personal diary of my symptoms to track the results, because if there is something to this, and I get my body back, The Tubaligation industry has won a new enemy and I will share my story. God willing.

I am including links to some of the stories that my Mom found, and while the cynic in me is still reticent, the desperate hopeful in me is zinging with anticipation. And hey, if its even a placebo fix for a mental case like me, and I see results, I would be elated!! I quell any anxious fears that creep in about having a surgery and the associated cost with the idea that it really can't get any worse, but then that's what I said before I tried the Depo Proverea shot and now I am in my fourth week of bleeding constantly and manic homicidal tendencies. So... God be with us all. Give us the cure (before my husband leaves for good!)!

I know that I will have more poignant thoughts and I will post the best, most dramatic and blood curdling entries from my diary. Can you even wait? I quit blogging. And journaling some time ago wheni realized that every entry was a series of poorly constructed complaints. I ant promise that I am done complaining, but I can commit that I am on a path to discovering health and happiness and most of all, stability.

http://tubal.org/symptoms_of_pts.htm

http://www.myptls.blogspot.com/2010_07_01_archive.html

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/Adenomyosis/DS00636

http://www.tubal-reversal.net/blog/2008/pregnancy-after-tubal-reversal/menstrual-problems-tubal-ligation.html

http://www.mybabydoc.com/blog/2010/09/possible-symptoms-of-post-tubal-ligation-syndrome-ptls-by-tubal-ligation-expert-in-la/