I don't know if it's the bug I got a fire camp, or going off of my thyroid medication for a few days, or the many pounds I gained, or exactly what in the world is wrong with me, but I have a severe case of the can't-get-up-and-goes. I am tired. Always. All day. I have no energy. My pain comes and goes. But I can't shake the feeling of being totally. worn. down. I have started back in on a heavy vitamin regime, which makes me nauseous. I know I need to be juicing, but it just takes so much energy. And time. And appropriate shopping. I feel a little bit - no, a lot - hopeless about my body right now. I need an unfusion of YES!!!! Anybody know where I can get some?
Friday, September 6, 2013
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Coming Back To Earth
A month out in the boondocks without running water and flushing toilets was... fun. Not really, but I survived. The money I make is worth it, they tell me, so I counted down every day until I could crawl into bed and succumb to trazadone and 16 hour work days. I have to say that I feel lucky. The month wasn't as hard as it could have been. My regular pain was down a few notches, and I don't know if that is because I was doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING all day long, or what. I had run ins with the usual issues, constipation, which I get at bay with a steady supply of dried fruit, and a world class menstrual cycle which always highlights the lack of modern plumbing in giant neon flashes in my mind. But overall, my "normal" pain was not as bad as usual. For most of the 30 days I was gone. I consider this a mercy. Of course it could be because I came down with a pretty gnarly head cold and my uterus symptoms always seem to cut me some slack when my immune system is waging war elsewhere. Maybe it's just in my head, but maybe there is some hormonal/endocrine shut off when my healing resources are temporarily diverted? It's a nice thought anyway. And my cold is almost gone but my uterus has reawakened and is trying to make up for lost time.
I am so excited to get a hysterectomy. Still waiting to hear from the state about our insurance, but I am not holding my breath - which puts us back out to January for just the initial exam, and probably March for surgery. It's a long way away. I am tired of waiting, but at this point, it's hard to imagine life without daily pain, so a few more months will just make the change that much sweeter, right? Reading all of the questions from other women with adenomyosis on the support pages has been SO refreshing for me. It's given me so much hope to hear about women who are actually pain free after their hysterectomies. Even women with a lot of my same, weird symptoms. I feel less alone, and less like a drug seeking drama queen. I am very thankful for this quirky and unfortunate online community that I have found. My plan for the next few weeks, if I don't get insurance in place, is to seek out some acupuncture, if for no other reason that to get certain adamant friends off of my back (you know who you are!), and say that I at least tried. I won't pretend I am not leery, but I am desperate enough to try anything.
I am tired of being broken. It's just not cool anymore. I am ready to be young and feel good again.
I am so excited to get a hysterectomy. Still waiting to hear from the state about our insurance, but I am not holding my breath - which puts us back out to January for just the initial exam, and probably March for surgery. It's a long way away. I am tired of waiting, but at this point, it's hard to imagine life without daily pain, so a few more months will just make the change that much sweeter, right? Reading all of the questions from other women with adenomyosis on the support pages has been SO refreshing for me. It's given me so much hope to hear about women who are actually pain free after their hysterectomies. Even women with a lot of my same, weird symptoms. I feel less alone, and less like a drug seeking drama queen. I am very thankful for this quirky and unfortunate online community that I have found. My plan for the next few weeks, if I don't get insurance in place, is to seek out some acupuncture, if for no other reason that to get certain adamant friends off of my back (you know who you are!), and say that I at least tried. I won't pretend I am not leery, but I am desperate enough to try anything.
I am tired of being broken. It's just not cool anymore. I am ready to be young and feel good again.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Eating The Right Stuff
After staying up til 1:30 AM and finding an amazing wealth of resources to help me get my footing again in this struggle, I came across this website this morning: Adenomyosis Information Network. A lovely gal named Maria has compiled so much useful information, but one of my favorite pages is this one: Helpful Diet Tips. Marie has a concise list of the things to eat that are HELPFUL in dealing with Adenomyosis, and a short but painful list of the things to avoid.
Here is Marie's list, with my ever-so-helpful commentary:
Here is Marie's list, with my ever-so-helpful commentary:
Helpful Diet Tips
During my struggle with adenomyosis and through my research, I have found that the following foods and supplements may improve symptoms of adenomyosis. This information may be particularly useful to those who do not want to undergo a hysterectomy.
1. Fiber - helps to rid the body of excess estrogen. Good sources include beans, nuts, seeds, oatmeal, and fresh vegetables.
- this one is difficult for me, except for the beans. I love beans. For someone with "IBS", it seems counterintuitive to consume such obviously gassy foods, but my body craves them. Possibly because I am not getting good fiber elsewhere? Except for my oatmeal chocolate chip raisin cookies. with those, I am also hitting #7 & #9!!
2. Omega-3 fatty acids - an anti-inflammatory nutrient that has also been shown to balance hormone levels. Sources include anchovies, mackerel, wild salmon, herring, sardines, tuna, walnuts, and flaxseed.
- tuna. 'nough said. Tuna salads, tuna sandwiches, tuna melts, tuna casseroles, tuna wraps... I love tuna. this is also a distinct craving I have - although the craving usually mandates heinously unhealthy potato chips on the sandwich as well.
3. Organic foods - because of the way they are grown, these foods contain less xenoestrogens.
- must do this. As soon as fire season is over, I am going to subscribe our family to Bountiful Baskets, which I think will make this easier.
4. Cruciferous vegetables - contain a substance called diindolylmethane that has been shown to help the body rid itself of excess estrogen. Sources include broccoli and cauliflower.
- again, gassy, but strangely comfortable food for me. I love these. Especially with cheese. Or the fake hollandaise sauce my mom made for us growing up.
5. Phytoestrogens - weaker estrogens than that found in the human body and they compete for estrogen receptor sites. Good sources include flaxseed, sesame seeds, pistachios, sunflower seeds, almonds, beans, soy, multigrain bread, rye, and barley.
- oooh - let's see, don't like nuts, don't like seeds - LIKE BEANS! - don't do soy, prefer squishy white bread, but usually I try to avoid grains all together.
6. B vitamins - help to balance hormone levels. Sources include tuna, salmon, turkey, chicken, beans, potatoes, milk bananas, and eggs.
- tuna! pretty much any meat is OK with me, and milk, and eggs. I like potatoes too. I do try to remember to take a B vitamin supplement... But remembering anything isn't one of my strong points these days.
7. Foods high in magnesium and zinc - these nutrients help to increase progesterone production. Sources include bran, dark chocolate, pumpkin, squash, edamame, molasses, roast beef, oysters,crab, and lamb.
- two words: DARK CHOCOLATE!
8. Foods high in sulfur - help to detoxify the liver and get rid of excess estrogen. Good sources include onions, garlic, lemons, and leafy green vegetables.
- So I had my mom bring me a bag of lemons from Costco. I have been making my own lemonade and drinking it until my tongue is sore. Does that count? Also, juicing. Leafy vegetable galore. Spinach, kale - and I adore garlic and onions. As my breath will confirm.
9. Resveratrol - this wonderful supplement has numerous health benefits, one being an aromatase inhibitor. Since aromatase synthesizes estrogen, eating food with aromatase inhibiting action helps to lower estrogen levels and may possibly help to reduce adenomyosis symptoms. See "Hormonal Imbalance?" and "Treatments" for more information. Resveratrol can be taken as a supplement (usually extracted from the Japanese knotwood plant) or can be consumed by eating the following foods: red grapes, red wine, peanuts, or cocoa.
- I hardly feel the need to comment here. My favorite conveyance for reservatrol is definitely the wine bottle.
10. White mushrooms - these have been shown to have some natural aromatase inhibiting action. Since aromatase synthesizes estrogen, eating food with aromatase inhibiting action helps to lower estrogen levels and may possibly help to reduce adenomyosis symptoms. See "Hormonal Imbalance?" and "Treatments" for more information.
- ooh! I love an excuse to eat mushrooms! There were some on sale at the store and I thought, hmmm, how can I eat these without feeling frivolous? Problem Solved.
Try to avoid the following foods:
Caffeine
Sugar
Processed food
- this is difficult. very difficult. mostly because lemonade requires sugar, as do oatmeal cookies, and life simply isn't worth living without coffee. but I am always seeking out better versions of sweeteners - I wonder how maple syrup does in lemonade?
I Am Back
Today I am resetting my resolve. If resolve needs resetting, is it really much resolve at all? Maybe I am just buckling up for another run of productive war with this crazy body of mine.
I started juicing over a year ago, and have found this helps me with my digestive issues tremendously, when I am doing it. I have noticed that even on prenatal vitamins and other supplements that I don't seem to assimilate the nutrients my body needs. I get frequent "charlie horses" and other muscle cramps. My hair is falling out in handful. I am tired. It could be that I need to re-examine my thyroid dose, as many of the symptoms cross over with hypothyroidism and also with the obvious hormonal issues that I face. Regardless, the juicing helps keep me regular and I seem to have more energy when I am doing it faithfully, which leads me to believe my body is actually getting the minerals and vitamins that I need.
Today my juice was spinach, apple, grape, carrot, lime and cucumber. It was much more palatable than the kale and carrot juice I choked down last week since I was out of everything else. I know I need to cut back on the fruit in my juice because the sugars aren't doing me any favors, but it's so much easier to get down with a little bit of sweet...
I am supposed to be leaving for a two week fire assignment in the next day or so. My team knows that I can't do big hikes, but I know that I need to be able to be somewhat ambulatory to make it work for them. I am bracing myself for some rough days, but since I have plenty of those at home on my couch, what do I have to lose? $350 a day if I don't go - that's a loss I can't afford. And it is a good distraction. It's new people, new turf. A new reason to act tough and hide the pain. Josh would like it if I had more reasons to hide the pain. I think he probably thinks that I am faking how bad it is when he is the only one around, when really I am faking how bad it's not when there are other people. I hate to be a whiner, but sometimes I wish that he, or somebody, anybody knew that even when I am laughing, I am hurting. Always hurting. I just suck it up. Not that I am tough. I am not. I know that my pain threshold has gone way down after years of painkillers - another good reason to give them up. Some days I think I can. Think I will. And then there is That Day. The one that chews me up and spits me out and laughs in my face and tells me how weak and pathetic I am. It's usually about every third day. Right after the first day when I am almost ok. Day two when I think maybe for a second I am miraculously healed and the pain is getting better... and then That Day. But I am starting to track the cycle, so that I can stop it. Kill it dead. So far the pieces are coming together like this:
have my period - want to die - take codeine - get constipated - pain increases - and more - back gets worse - pelvic pain gets worse - still taking codeine - still constipated - want to die even more - finally achieve gastrointestinal movement through some extreme elimination challenge (pun intended) - pain subsides in back, pelvis - moment of peace - ovulation starts - pain skyrockets - want to die - take codeine- repeat entire cycle.
Clearly the codeine needs to be eliminated. And/or the pain. Preferably the pain. Come on insurance. I am overdue.
I started juicing over a year ago, and have found this helps me with my digestive issues tremendously, when I am doing it. I have noticed that even on prenatal vitamins and other supplements that I don't seem to assimilate the nutrients my body needs. I get frequent "charlie horses" and other muscle cramps. My hair is falling out in handful. I am tired. It could be that I need to re-examine my thyroid dose, as many of the symptoms cross over with hypothyroidism and also with the obvious hormonal issues that I face. Regardless, the juicing helps keep me regular and I seem to have more energy when I am doing it faithfully, which leads me to believe my body is actually getting the minerals and vitamins that I need.
Today my juice was spinach, apple, grape, carrot, lime and cucumber. It was much more palatable than the kale and carrot juice I choked down last week since I was out of everything else. I know I need to cut back on the fruit in my juice because the sugars aren't doing me any favors, but it's so much easier to get down with a little bit of sweet...
I am supposed to be leaving for a two week fire assignment in the next day or so. My team knows that I can't do big hikes, but I know that I need to be able to be somewhat ambulatory to make it work for them. I am bracing myself for some rough days, but since I have plenty of those at home on my couch, what do I have to lose? $350 a day if I don't go - that's a loss I can't afford. And it is a good distraction. It's new people, new turf. A new reason to act tough and hide the pain. Josh would like it if I had more reasons to hide the pain. I think he probably thinks that I am faking how bad it is when he is the only one around, when really I am faking how bad it's not when there are other people. I hate to be a whiner, but sometimes I wish that he, or somebody, anybody knew that even when I am laughing, I am hurting. Always hurting. I just suck it up. Not that I am tough. I am not. I know that my pain threshold has gone way down after years of painkillers - another good reason to give them up. Some days I think I can. Think I will. And then there is That Day. The one that chews me up and spits me out and laughs in my face and tells me how weak and pathetic I am. It's usually about every third day. Right after the first day when I am almost ok. Day two when I think maybe for a second I am miraculously healed and the pain is getting better... and then That Day. But I am starting to track the cycle, so that I can stop it. Kill it dead. So far the pieces are coming together like this:
have my period - want to die - take codeine - get constipated - pain increases - and more - back gets worse - pelvic pain gets worse - still taking codeine - still constipated - want to die even more - finally achieve gastrointestinal movement through some extreme elimination challenge (pun intended) - pain subsides in back, pelvis - moment of peace - ovulation starts - pain skyrockets - want to die - take codeine- repeat entire cycle.
Clearly the codeine needs to be eliminated. And/or the pain. Preferably the pain. Come on insurance. I am overdue.
I Went Away
For awhile. I thought if I ignored it, didn't give it any energy, any attention, the pain and sickness would go away. It didn't. It hasn't. I have come full circle after 8 years of coping, and two years of the intense pursuit of a way for me to heal myself, to giving in to the old monster of adenomyosis and waiting, impatiently, for a hysterectomy. A surgery that will radically transform my existence back into a LIFE. That costs thirty thousand dollars. I am waiting. And hoping, with my breath held and my eyes closed, that this will be the cure. That my pain will subside and my body will once again be something that I am in control of, and not something controlling me. I am hopeful.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Struggles
I don't want to go back. I am at war with my own mind, and body, obviously. I have been so much better. So much better that I barely recognized the old monster when she started to raise her head again. The pain is as bad as it's ever been. The worry, doubt, paranoia - physically identifiable feeling of fear that makes my whole body buzz. I know it is irrational. I know it's unfounded. I know that I am exhausted. Exhausted from pain, from lack of sleep, from worry. One more shift on this fire and I will be home. I will be able to breathe deeply the truth that I know is all around me. Peace I have been out of touch with for too long. I have to find a way to function in the reality of work Without losing the sense of peace that I know is real. It breaks my heart to feel the uncontrollable emotions well up inside my chest, down deep in my stomach. Knowing they are unfounded. They are wrong. I want desperately to beat them back into submission, to put permanent reigns on my emotions. I am at such a loss. My head buys into the lies and says that if I don't listen to my gut I will find myself, my girls in that desperate place again. Alone and destroyed. Not again. There is truth. I have it. I won't let it go. Is it the season changing? The miles and hours out of touch? The restless, sleepless short nights? I have to fight this monster. Is it just hormones? Is it just the only response I have left to combat the daily pain with? I need help. I need to be home. One more day. One more step. One more short night and All the rest will be long. Will be true. Will be real. One more.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
fuzzy
I got up this morning with all these great intentions in my head for getting stuff done. Somewhere around 9:17, a thick bank of grey clouds rolled into my head and made it impossible. To do pretty much anything.
This has been a rough week. I feel like hell. Luckily I have very obvious hormonal reasons that I can blame for most of my issues, but I sure wish they would go away. I don't like wasting time feeling crappy and acting crappy.
The hardest part is not being able to get my brain to function. I really honestly can't force my brain to stay focused long enough to get though a sentence. For example, it took me a moment to figure out how to spell GET in the last sentence. Ridiculous. I am taking all of my vitamins, and I even made an extra large batch of extra potent beet-apple-pear-carrot-kale-ginger-lemon-cucumber juice for lunch. Give me another 48 hours and I will be fine? I hope. So does Josh.
What I should probably do is go for a walk in the sunshine. But just walking to the kitchen feels like a Major Life Event right now. How stupid. I hate being a girl. Maybe if I put my sweatpants back on I would feel better. Especially if wearing sweatpants was closely followed by a nap.
I decided to get started on a Real Blogsite today. One that I make myself. But I got lost halfway through and EXTREMELY frustrated. So that is shelved until later. Or tomorrow. Not sure what to do with myself today. Maybe I will stagger out into the sunny yard and fall asleep. Then I will have guilt for all the Things I need to do. Even though I can't remember any of them.
This has been a rough week. I feel like hell. Luckily I have very obvious hormonal reasons that I can blame for most of my issues, but I sure wish they would go away. I don't like wasting time feeling crappy and acting crappy.
The hardest part is not being able to get my brain to function. I really honestly can't force my brain to stay focused long enough to get though a sentence. For example, it took me a moment to figure out how to spell GET in the last sentence. Ridiculous. I am taking all of my vitamins, and I even made an extra large batch of extra potent beet-apple-pear-carrot-kale-ginger-lemon-cucumber juice for lunch. Give me another 48 hours and I will be fine? I hope. So does Josh.
What I should probably do is go for a walk in the sunshine. But just walking to the kitchen feels like a Major Life Event right now. How stupid. I hate being a girl. Maybe if I put my sweatpants back on I would feel better. Especially if wearing sweatpants was closely followed by a nap.
I decided to get started on a Real Blogsite today. One that I make myself. But I got lost halfway through and EXTREMELY frustrated. So that is shelved until later. Or tomorrow. Not sure what to do with myself today. Maybe I will stagger out into the sunny yard and fall asleep. Then I will have guilt for all the Things I need to do. Even though I can't remember any of them.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
inching ahead
I know I am way behind. There is so much to catch up on. I guess the cool thing is that nothing vitally important happened. Except that I quit my job (yay!) and I got married (again {YAY!}) and we moved. (YAYYY!!!) and stuff.
First lets get the boring stuff out of the way: I am doing well. I am emotionally stable. Almost too stable. Which means that I am stable enough that Josh thinks he can get away with all kinds of nothandlingmewithkidgloves type behavior and I am not much into that. So every once in awhile I have to pretend to be emotionally fragile just to keep him in check. Just kidding. I don't really do that. I think.
Physically I have tons of energy, I generally feel good, and I am FINALLY starting to lose weight. Trying not to get too excited, but with a little more exercise (I have decide to like riding bikes) and switching out a meal a day for fresh vegetable/fruit juice, I am starting to see some consistent dropping. Not as fast as I would like, but hey, at this point, I will take whatever I can get.
The weird undiagnosed pain in my lower left abdomen is still there. After a few more doctors visits that included a colonoscopy (thank you never again), we are concluding that it is some sort of a muscle tear in a deep abdominal muscle. It sort of makes sense, since rest helps it, abstaining from ALL activity, etc, but I still don't get why it goes extra crazy around thattimeofthemonth, and also thatothertimeofthemonth. It's weird. But I am tired of looking. Although I did just find out that I have insurance for another 6 months or so, and I am thinking a hysterectomy would be a wise choice. At least then I would have one less thattimeofthemonth to worry about.
while not having the emotional upheaval to worry about (seriously, I don't even recognize who I was a few months ago) is a massive relief, I have still been determined to get to the root of some of my health issues. I heard about a juice fast/cleanse/diet from a friend and the amazing results. Josh and I watched a documentary called Fat, Tired and Nearly Dead and it was interesting. We started slowly working fresh juice into our diet and eliminating some of the chronic junk. I am noticing that all the deep fried stuff is really (and literally?) killing me. My stomach doesn't like it. I also am still having a rough time with fruit, but really trying to weigh out if the consequences are worth the benefits.... the jury is still out on that one.
Whatever it is that I am doing right now seems to be working. I have had several people in the last few days comment on how "healthy" I look. partially I suppose because my sunburn has evolved to tan, and I'd like to give credit to the blonde highlights I got before the "wedding".
Oh! Wedding/party/reception thingy. Yes, It was fun. Mostly. Josh was a little uncooperative, I think mostly because he didn't like the idea of our (somewhat troubled in his mind still) relationship being in the spotlight. He was all about a party, sort of. Except the part about buying food and stuff. It really was great to have all of my family in one place and we had an awesome time. I don't like to look at any of the pictures with me in them because I remember feeling so much less FAT when I was there. But oh well. It will give me something to look back on and go WOW, right?
I quit my regular job at the forest service. Mostly because I realized that I can make more in two weeks on a fire than I can working two months at my regular wage INCLUDING fire time as an employee, so I am going back to my status as an emergency hire for the FS. Love it. I love love love not having to get up in the morning, or be anywhere, or clean toilets (even though I have been doing it as a volunteer since I quit) (what? I had guilt for leaving them in the lurch?) or do anything I don't sign up for. It's great. I need to see about getting a job of some sort this fall, but for now, I am waiting on fires (just got a call to go to Oakridge...) and loving summer.
Also - we moved into a bigger place that has a yard like a park. I love it. In fact, some days, I don't want to go anywhere. Except then it gets really hot and so I don't mind getting out. Josh did pretty much all of the moving (which I also loved) while I was gone - and now I owe him forever.
Anyway, more later, gotta go pack for a fire!
First lets get the boring stuff out of the way: I am doing well. I am emotionally stable. Almost too stable. Which means that I am stable enough that Josh thinks he can get away with all kinds of nothandlingmewithkidgloves type behavior and I am not much into that. So every once in awhile I have to pretend to be emotionally fragile just to keep him in check. Just kidding. I don't really do that. I think.
Physically I have tons of energy, I generally feel good, and I am FINALLY starting to lose weight. Trying not to get too excited, but with a little more exercise (I have decide to like riding bikes) and switching out a meal a day for fresh vegetable/fruit juice, I am starting to see some consistent dropping. Not as fast as I would like, but hey, at this point, I will take whatever I can get.
The weird undiagnosed pain in my lower left abdomen is still there. After a few more doctors visits that included a colonoscopy (thank you never again), we are concluding that it is some sort of a muscle tear in a deep abdominal muscle. It sort of makes sense, since rest helps it, abstaining from ALL activity, etc, but I still don't get why it goes extra crazy around thattimeofthemonth, and also thatothertimeofthemonth. It's weird. But I am tired of looking. Although I did just find out that I have insurance for another 6 months or so, and I am thinking a hysterectomy would be a wise choice. At least then I would have one less thattimeofthemonth to worry about.
while not having the emotional upheaval to worry about (seriously, I don't even recognize who I was a few months ago) is a massive relief, I have still been determined to get to the root of some of my health issues. I heard about a juice fast/cleanse/diet from a friend and the amazing results. Josh and I watched a documentary called Fat, Tired and Nearly Dead and it was interesting. We started slowly working fresh juice into our diet and eliminating some of the chronic junk. I am noticing that all the deep fried stuff is really (and literally?) killing me. My stomach doesn't like it. I also am still having a rough time with fruit, but really trying to weigh out if the consequences are worth the benefits.... the jury is still out on that one.
Whatever it is that I am doing right now seems to be working. I have had several people in the last few days comment on how "healthy" I look. partially I suppose because my sunburn has evolved to tan, and I'd like to give credit to the blonde highlights I got before the "wedding".
Oh! Wedding/party/reception thingy. Yes, It was fun. Mostly. Josh was a little uncooperative, I think mostly because he didn't like the idea of our (somewhat troubled in his mind still) relationship being in the spotlight. He was all about a party, sort of. Except the part about buying food and stuff. It really was great to have all of my family in one place and we had an awesome time. I don't like to look at any of the pictures with me in them because I remember feeling so much less FAT when I was there. But oh well. It will give me something to look back on and go WOW, right?
I quit my regular job at the forest service. Mostly because I realized that I can make more in two weeks on a fire than I can working two months at my regular wage INCLUDING fire time as an employee, so I am going back to my status as an emergency hire for the FS. Love it. I love love love not having to get up in the morning, or be anywhere, or clean toilets (even though I have been doing it as a volunteer since I quit) (what? I had guilt for leaving them in the lurch?) or do anything I don't sign up for. It's great. I need to see about getting a job of some sort this fall, but for now, I am waiting on fires (just got a call to go to Oakridge...) and loving summer.
Also - we moved into a bigger place that has a yard like a park. I love it. In fact, some days, I don't want to go anywhere. Except then it gets really hot and so I don't mind getting out. Josh did pretty much all of the moving (which I also loved) while I was gone - and now I owe him forever.
Anyway, more later, gotta go pack for a fire!
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Things that are...
Better: I have energy. I am happy. I actually like life again. I even love my husband. ;) My period is (so far) about 1/2 the intensity it used to be, on all levels, pain, bleeding, emotional wreckage. Maybe less than half, but I'll allow some wiggle room.
The same: the pain in my lower left abdomen is back. I think I did something to reinjure it, and my pain by evening time most days is pretty awesome.
Worse: um... Nothing??
I haven't written anything in a while, I've been crazy busy, working full time, finishing up my last school reports, running around on the weekends doing all sorta of craziness, buying new cars, getting ready to move (into a bigger house), and basically enjoying life. The kids are at their dad's for the summer, and I can't say I'm not loving the break. Just me and Jish, and no guilt if we skip out for happy hour and don't come back til after karaoke is over.
I'm doing archaeology surveys for the forest service, and I really enjoy tromping around the forest by myself, except on says like today, when it's pouring down rain. I'm sitting in the car - hoping to wait it out... Not really confident that the sun will reappear.
The job dilemma is still that. Neither Josh nor I have nailed down anything decisively, still a lot up in the air, but since we decided to stay in Bend I have a pretty solid feeling at least. I'm not worried. I'm sad Josh has to keep building for now, but I know things will work themselves out.
I think I'm almost ready for a fire dispatch, which is good since things are starting to heat up...
Sent from my iPhone
The same: the pain in my lower left abdomen is back. I think I did something to reinjure it, and my pain by evening time most days is pretty awesome.
Worse: um... Nothing??
I haven't written anything in a while, I've been crazy busy, working full time, finishing up my last school reports, running around on the weekends doing all sorta of craziness, buying new cars, getting ready to move (into a bigger house), and basically enjoying life. The kids are at their dad's for the summer, and I can't say I'm not loving the break. Just me and Jish, and no guilt if we skip out for happy hour and don't come back til after karaoke is over.
I'm doing archaeology surveys for the forest service, and I really enjoy tromping around the forest by myself, except on says like today, when it's pouring down rain. I'm sitting in the car - hoping to wait it out... Not really confident that the sun will reappear.
The job dilemma is still that. Neither Josh nor I have nailed down anything decisively, still a lot up in the air, but since we decided to stay in Bend I have a pretty solid feeling at least. I'm not worried. I'm sad Josh has to keep building for now, but I know things will work themselves out.
I think I'm almost ready for a fire dispatch, which is good since things are starting to heat up...
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, June 7, 2012
The Everybodyfields - Lonely Anywhere
Check out this video on YouTube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXQ1rhzUjls&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Sent from my iPhone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXQ1rhzUjls&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Epihpanies and Illiopsoas Muscles
Blahhhh! After 12 years in classes of some sort or another, 5 different majors, 4 different schools, a million headaches and frustrations balancing full time work, full time kids, full time school and full time emotional basketcase, I just received a passing grade on my last critical assignment before I graduate on May 11th. I know bachelors degrees are run of the mill these days, and honestly, it represents $50K in debt more than success or the garauntee of a good job, but still, hey, I did it. I cannot tell you the relief I feel. I am not sure that if I hadn't had Josh here for the last few terms, pushing me and buying in 100%, that I wouldn't have quit just before the finish line. I was pretty burnt out. So I guess I have to give him credit. At least part. :)
I am so excited. To not have school. To find some work I like (after the summer). To move. To feel better. To be less... miserable.
I saw a chiropractor the other day who adjusted my back (I had 4 ribs out and he called my lumbar a 2nd grade strain) but what was really cool was the physical therapist he works with called me out on my Psoas Muscle, the hip flexor that attaches near the lumbar/thorassic transition and winds through the abdomen/pelvic cavity and attaches at the top of the inside of the femur. Referred pain from a damaged illiopsoas can be felt in the lower back and LOW PELVIS, for men, even testicularly. What if all this ouch down there on the left side is a pulled or torn muscle that I have been abusing? It makes sense with the activity induced pain. We shall see. I am going back for some more therapy, and have stretching and strengthening assignments. And MUST GET BACK TO YOGA!!!
It's hard for me to stay focused at work, partially because I am ADD and partially because I am ready to move on. I am absolutely amazed at the difference in my energy level - I have no idea what to attribute that to so I am going to give credit to the surgery. I actually WANT to do things. All kinds of things. Like running and skipping and things that are hard for me. We hiked up Pilot Butte last night. Not a huge mountain, but enough for me to be proud of! Today it's raining, which dulls my enthusiasm, but I will probably find something to do.
I am still off of sugar, dairy and grains. But I am counting the minutes to Saturday when I have decided to let cheese back into my life. What is Cinco De Mayo without cheese? Seriously? I. Can't. Wait. I have been fantasizing about chips and salsa and beans and rice for days.
Ok, I gotta go hook up a big trailer to a big truck to pick up a big tent for a big event this weekend. Wish I could just go shopping and meet some friends for lunch. Too bad you're all so far away!
I am so excited. To not have school. To find some work I like (after the summer). To move. To feel better. To be less... miserable.
I saw a chiropractor the other day who adjusted my back (I had 4 ribs out and he called my lumbar a 2nd grade strain) but what was really cool was the physical therapist he works with called me out on my Psoas Muscle, the hip flexor that attaches near the lumbar/thorassic transition and winds through the abdomen/pelvic cavity and attaches at the top of the inside of the femur. Referred pain from a damaged illiopsoas can be felt in the lower back and LOW PELVIS, for men, even testicularly. What if all this ouch down there on the left side is a pulled or torn muscle that I have been abusing? It makes sense with the activity induced pain. We shall see. I am going back for some more therapy, and have stretching and strengthening assignments. And MUST GET BACK TO YOGA!!!
It's hard for me to stay focused at work, partially because I am ADD and partially because I am ready to move on. I am absolutely amazed at the difference in my energy level - I have no idea what to attribute that to so I am going to give credit to the surgery. I actually WANT to do things. All kinds of things. Like running and skipping and things that are hard for me. We hiked up Pilot Butte last night. Not a huge mountain, but enough for me to be proud of! Today it's raining, which dulls my enthusiasm, but I will probably find something to do.
I am still off of sugar, dairy and grains. But I am counting the minutes to Saturday when I have decided to let cheese back into my life. What is Cinco De Mayo without cheese? Seriously? I. Can't. Wait. I have been fantasizing about chips and salsa and beans and rice for days.
Ok, I gotta go hook up a big trailer to a big truck to pick up a big tent for a big event this weekend. Wish I could just go shopping and meet some friends for lunch. Too bad you're all so far away!
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Jolking and Dogs
I felt like I really wasn't hurting from it, but today I am kinda rough. But that was on Sunday, so... Anyway, after a week I will probably allow cheese and yogurt. Maybe corn, that's the grain I most miss. Chips and Salsa...
I am kind of antsy, and want to start running - or jolking. That's a patent pending cross between jogging and walking. But I am afraid of the consequences. Today I will take Truck and Steve (I renamed Josh's dog from Emmy to Steve. I respect her more now.) for a walk and that will be consequence enough for a week. Truck is a bully on a leash and Steve just rides her brakes the whole way. Plus they both think they need to poop every three blocks, and I am not good at picking up poop. If I can find a way to justify not picking it up, I will. "oh, I don't have a bag! dangit!" "oh, it's in the weeds way off the road". Josh HATES this about me. I am one "of those" people. I am. I admit it. I will endure the shame if it means I don't have to pick up poop. It makes me throw up. No really, it does.
Maybe we will walk to Old Navy since there is incentive on the other end. Of course if I buy anything, a) I will have to carry it back and b) I will have a bag with which to pick up poop. Hmm. dilemma.
Other than my lower left pain, I am feeling great. Oh, and my back is hurting again, and my digestive system is still screwy, but I just ordered Dr. Mercola's NewStart Cleanse so I will let you know how that goes. I feel like I definitely need a restart. And I have a chiropractor appointment today in case it's an alignment issue contributing to the pain - that seems like too easy of a fix though.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Progress
Ok, so, the day after my silly one mile walk test, I was in pain again. A lot of pain. Which means whatever it is that was hurting me before only quit because I was doing nothing, and when I do something, anything, it hurts again.
It's nice to be able to eliminate certain problems that would have been easily diagnosed during surgery, and to be honest, as I'm healing up, I feel more evened out every day. Evened out, as in, I am only ripping Josh's head off once or twice a day instead of all day long, and which I can tell is helping because he's hiding from me a whole lot less. :)
The problem of the returning pain has inspired me to start another elimination/cleanse diet to see if flushing my system of some of the toxic stuff I consume helps. Considering the pain is activity aggravated I am not super hopeful, but I think I'll feel better without grains and dairy and sugar in my diet for awhile anyway.
I am also coming to terms with the fact that I have to start exercising again, regardless of the pain. I can't keep letting my muscles atrophe and my blobbiness expand, because the reality is I'll probably be in pain no matter what but I'm letting a whole new realm of issues creep in. Needless to say, the prospect of any workout is extremely non-fantastic, and makes me want to take a really long nap.
I have virtually no pain from the surgery itself, which, for three weeks out feels pretty good. I've also noticed my appetite is way smaller and my face isn't breaking out as much. Maybe incidentals, but who knows. Even after a week of brewpubs in Hood River I don't feel massively bloated and horrible. It's been way easier to quit eating when I'm full. Unless it's mushroom bruschetta from Cebu Lounge at the Hood River Inn.
I'm back to full on work now, my Doctor's orders expire on Tuesday and I have no more whimp out excuses. I am not looking forward to the ramifications of that, because 9 hours of almost anything COHVOPS makes me pretty crabby by dinner time. Although I do notice the pain is usually the worst about 24 hours after I do something physical. Luckily we have lots of events coming up so all I have to do is drive around and smile at people. So that eats up work hours.
I hate to admit I'm secretly excited to finish my internship and move on from this job. My brain is tired of doing nothing. Speaking of events, I'm sitting in the truck at the China Hat ISDE which stands for some sort of motorcycles race, watching tons of people run around on dirt bikes excitedly. It almost makes me wish I rode. Almost. Mostly it makes me want to take a nap.
BTW, in spite of all the nap talk, I have noticed my energy is much better - and I haven't been taking my vitamins! I have been going to bed earlier... Gosh I feel old some days.
Guess I'll go find my partner who is running around with his dirt bike buddies, and pretend to work for awhile.
Sent from my iPhone
It's nice to be able to eliminate certain problems that would have been easily diagnosed during surgery, and to be honest, as I'm healing up, I feel more evened out every day. Evened out, as in, I am only ripping Josh's head off once or twice a day instead of all day long, and which I can tell is helping because he's hiding from me a whole lot less. :)
The problem of the returning pain has inspired me to start another elimination/cleanse diet to see if flushing my system of some of the toxic stuff I consume helps. Considering the pain is activity aggravated I am not super hopeful, but I think I'll feel better without grains and dairy and sugar in my diet for awhile anyway.
I am also coming to terms with the fact that I have to start exercising again, regardless of the pain. I can't keep letting my muscles atrophe and my blobbiness expand, because the reality is I'll probably be in pain no matter what but I'm letting a whole new realm of issues creep in. Needless to say, the prospect of any workout is extremely non-fantastic, and makes me want to take a really long nap.
I have virtually no pain from the surgery itself, which, for three weeks out feels pretty good. I've also noticed my appetite is way smaller and my face isn't breaking out as much. Maybe incidentals, but who knows. Even after a week of brewpubs in Hood River I don't feel massively bloated and horrible. It's been way easier to quit eating when I'm full. Unless it's mushroom bruschetta from Cebu Lounge at the Hood River Inn.
I'm back to full on work now, my Doctor's orders expire on Tuesday and I have no more whimp out excuses. I am not looking forward to the ramifications of that, because 9 hours of almost anything COHVOPS makes me pretty crabby by dinner time. Although I do notice the pain is usually the worst about 24 hours after I do something physical. Luckily we have lots of events coming up so all I have to do is drive around and smile at people. So that eats up work hours.
I hate to admit I'm secretly excited to finish my internship and move on from this job. My brain is tired of doing nothing. Speaking of events, I'm sitting in the truck at the China Hat ISDE which stands for some sort of motorcycles race, watching tons of people run around on dirt bikes excitedly. It almost makes me wish I rode. Almost. Mostly it makes me want to take a nap.
BTW, in spite of all the nap talk, I have noticed my energy is much better - and I haven't been taking my vitamins! I have been going to bed earlier... Gosh I feel old some days.
Guess I'll go find my partner who is running around with his dirt bike buddies, and pretend to work for awhile.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, April 20, 2012
So, I should have gone to work today. Or rather, I COULD have gone to work today. It is my "scheduled day off", since we work 5/4 9 hour days, except that I missed Monday, and Tuesday, and part of Friday last week. So the hours would have been good. But then I wouldn't have had time to take two quizzes and a test, and drink my coffee out of a real mug, and change my clothes three times, and watch video clips from the new season of The Office, since I feel guilty watching any real episodes without Josh.
But it is nice. So nice, to have a day to get caught up on all the laundry - which Josh already did. And the housecleaning, which I am successfully avoiding. And the errands I am going to run (any second now) with poor MacKenzie who hasn't left the house all week and thinks she might grow lichens soon if she doesn't do something.
The sun is out. That, in and of itself makes it a good day.
I have been hurting more, again, maybe because I am trying to move more, do more, push myself, and maybe the pain on my left side went away because I was doing absolutely nothing for several days. Maybe that's what I am supposed to do always, absolutely nothing. That is one thing I am good at.
In spite of the returning old pain, the surgery stuff is getting exponentially better: I can sneeze now without cussing. I can get up and down almost all day without wincing and moaning (although sometimes I do it just for dramatic effect anyway). And I got new jeans. Which makes EVERYTHING better.
I have been trying to be careful what I eat in some useless attempt to cut back on my calories and start trying to whittle away at all this extra weight in lieu of all the exercise I am not getting. It is VERY discouraging. And I am NOT good at it. Because I like food and I love to eat. Mostly good food. Not healthy, skinny food. I like gravy, and dairy products. I have been successfully weaning myself off of most of the pain killers, but weaning myself off of delicious foods that do me Absolutely No Good is something I am not sure I can do.
Speaking of drugs, since I ran out of prescription pain killers I decided to stop taking them. Ok I was forced. They make life so much easier, but maybe my body will begin to heal itself and patch some things together if I can flush my system of the chemicals that pollute it. I have still been taking a dose of ibuprofen daily, once the pain gets bad enough that I realize I am really hating life, but honestly, it just upsets my stomach and doesn't do a whole lot for the pain, so I am reserving it mostly for bedtime to help me sleep. Since lying still is when the pain becomes paramount in my mind. I think there is always this curiosity in me to see if I can "get off" of prescription pain killers, in case I got addicted on this round. I like watching for withdrawal symptoms, and then when I get mean and snap at Josh I can blame Those Terrible Drugs instead of my own impatience and lack of self government. It is nice to have a scape goat. I don't really feel withdrawally, but I will retain the excuse just in case. Part of me would Really like to find a way to get my prescription refilled, because it just is easier. But part of me knows that it's so much better for me if I can do without. But one pill is so much cheaper and more convenient than a session with an acupuncturist, or a massage, or whatever weird thing crosses my mind to try to alleviate the pain. Like a yoga class. Or a bottle of wine (should that be a glass?).
I think now that I will go run those errands. Or actually drive them. But I might try to actually go for a "Walk" today, like a recreational one. For exercise. With dogs. It sounds painful, but sort of nice.
For the record, I do feel like I am evening out emotionally. I think the effects of the depo are finally subsiding and while I still have moments of absolute absurdity, it is getting easier to choose my responses. Part of that is just exhaustion after 9 hours of work and realizing I owe my family dinner and I just don't have the energy to pick a fight. In fact, I have been tired enough that we have eaten out almost every night this week, and I certainly haven't cooked anything. One night I went to bed without dinner. I guess I have made Kizzie cook - it's nice having Cinderella back. I can't say that the turmoil in our house is really subsiding (which I still take full responsibility for), but I feel like maybe I can see a light at the end of the tunnel that offers hope for some peace. I hope that light isn't the iconic beacon of demise for either myself or Poor Josh... I am pretty sure we'll make it. ;)
But it is nice. So nice, to have a day to get caught up on all the laundry - which Josh already did. And the housecleaning, which I am successfully avoiding. And the errands I am going to run (any second now) with poor MacKenzie who hasn't left the house all week and thinks she might grow lichens soon if she doesn't do something.
The sun is out. That, in and of itself makes it a good day.
I have been hurting more, again, maybe because I am trying to move more, do more, push myself, and maybe the pain on my left side went away because I was doing absolutely nothing for several days. Maybe that's what I am supposed to do always, absolutely nothing. That is one thing I am good at.
In spite of the returning old pain, the surgery stuff is getting exponentially better: I can sneeze now without cussing. I can get up and down almost all day without wincing and moaning (although sometimes I do it just for dramatic effect anyway). And I got new jeans. Which makes EVERYTHING better.
I have been trying to be careful what I eat in some useless attempt to cut back on my calories and start trying to whittle away at all this extra weight in lieu of all the exercise I am not getting. It is VERY discouraging. And I am NOT good at it. Because I like food and I love to eat. Mostly good food. Not healthy, skinny food. I like gravy, and dairy products. I have been successfully weaning myself off of most of the pain killers, but weaning myself off of delicious foods that do me Absolutely No Good is something I am not sure I can do.
Speaking of drugs, since I ran out of prescription pain killers I decided to stop taking them. Ok I was forced. They make life so much easier, but maybe my body will begin to heal itself and patch some things together if I can flush my system of the chemicals that pollute it. I have still been taking a dose of ibuprofen daily, once the pain gets bad enough that I realize I am really hating life, but honestly, it just upsets my stomach and doesn't do a whole lot for the pain, so I am reserving it mostly for bedtime to help me sleep. Since lying still is when the pain becomes paramount in my mind. I think there is always this curiosity in me to see if I can "get off" of prescription pain killers, in case I got addicted on this round. I like watching for withdrawal symptoms, and then when I get mean and snap at Josh I can blame Those Terrible Drugs instead of my own impatience and lack of self government. It is nice to have a scape goat. I don't really feel withdrawally, but I will retain the excuse just in case. Part of me would Really like to find a way to get my prescription refilled, because it just is easier. But part of me knows that it's so much better for me if I can do without. But one pill is so much cheaper and more convenient than a session with an acupuncturist, or a massage, or whatever weird thing crosses my mind to try to alleviate the pain. Like a yoga class. Or a bottle of wine (should that be a glass?).
I think now that I will go run those errands. Or actually drive them. But I might try to actually go for a "Walk" today, like a recreational one. For exercise. With dogs. It sounds painful, but sort of nice.
For the record, I do feel like I am evening out emotionally. I think the effects of the depo are finally subsiding and while I still have moments of absolute absurdity, it is getting easier to choose my responses. Part of that is just exhaustion after 9 hours of work and realizing I owe my family dinner and I just don't have the energy to pick a fight. In fact, I have been tired enough that we have eaten out almost every night this week, and I certainly haven't cooked anything. One night I went to bed without dinner. I guess I have made Kizzie cook - it's nice having Cinderella back. I can't say that the turmoil in our house is really subsiding (which I still take full responsibility for), but I feel like maybe I can see a light at the end of the tunnel that offers hope for some peace. I hope that light isn't the iconic beacon of demise for either myself or Poor Josh... I am pretty sure we'll make it. ;)
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Day 4
So. I've been home from North Carolina for a couple of days. I've been sore, it's been hard to get around, and I've been frustrated and depressed. I'm attributing that entirely to the fact that I am A) a huge baby and intolerant of limitations and B) I'm extremely spoiled and demanding.
In short, about North Carolina, although I plan to write in greater detail about my experience there: Dr. Berger was awesome. He was inquisitive, he listened and for the first time in a while I felt like I found a Doctor Who was a little bit interested in my Whole Health, not just in making me fertile again (which was something I had feared, traveling cross continent to a Tubal Reversal Center). He made no promises but offered to do a more thorough exam than customary for their routine reversals, looking for the causes of some of my symptoms. While for the most part he found nothing he could pinpoint as direct issue when he did the reversal, the surgery went well and the resectioning was successful.
I am afraid to say it out loud, and I will admit I am still on ibuprofen and hydrocodone fairly steadily, but the burning pain in my lower left abdomen is either swallowed by the incision pain or (Lord God Let It Be) it is better. I mean, pre-op, this pain was constant and overriding in spite of heavier doses of painkillers. What if, somehow, blood flow to that side had gotten really tweaked and maybe, just maybe surgery helped? Have you ever slept with your ear bent against your head in a way it's not supposed to go for a long time and when you wake up, it Really Hurts as circulation tries to reinitiate. What if that was kinda the same thing, only it was part of my ovary that I slept on funny and it's finally getting the blood supply it's sposed to. I don't know. Maybe? BTW, I hope that ear thing isn't just me. But it hurts like a son of a gun.
I have had a pretty crappy attitude since I got home. I know feeling bloated and swollen and looking and waking pregnant doesn't usually perk women up, but I guess I should be trying harder to let the hope and the Slightest Tinge of a Feeling that things are getting back to good creep in and at least make me nice to people. I wasn't really expecting balloons and flowers when I got home but as I lay trapped on my back in bed the first morning home (try getting upright without using an muscles) I felt slightly abandoned. I made it out of bed, through a painful and wobbly shower, under Aspen's supervision, and somehow ended up on the couch, but most of the rest of Friday was a dopey blur. I knew Josh was going to work, but somehow the fact that he just left me, with my medicine worn off and no cream in the house for coffee, really sent me into a tilta-whirl pity party and I probably wasn't The Nicest Wife Ever when he came home. It wasn't like I got my tonsils out and deserved stuffed bunnies and Get Well Soon cards with pictures of severely dated daisies on them, but I guess I was spoiled by mom and thought somebody aught to at least get my breakfast for me.
My sister did make me a get well present. Which I'm sure is in the mail. I'm pretty excited about it. It's a jean skirt made out of some of my old Liv jeans that were torn to shreds. But you know Em, she's a genius with a sewing machine.
I will say this, before I forget: North Carolina was beautiful. I really like Cheerwine, and in spite of my bad attitude, I do think that good is right there. Just around the corner.
Also, as an addendum, and to clear up any consternation, curiosity or budding rays of hope, Josh is fixed, so there will be no baby Westons in our future, barring a cruel trick by a mean God who seems to have it out for me sometimes anyway. ;)
Friday, April 6, 2012
On the other side
Have I told you about my mom? I am the first one to insist that there is no such thing as a perfect mother. If I believed in a perfect mother it would be ever so much harder to escape the haunting need to become that person, so for my own peace of mind I discard the idea altogether. I have to say though, I have a mom who comes pretty darn close. Not that she has always been so close to perfect - casting no unknown shadow or disparity on my mom, she is the first to admit her failures and shortcomings raising 6 children entirely at home without the reprieve of sending them away to school on a daily basis. She persevered through 6 children of highly developed intellect and opinion, perhaps to her credit, not a soft thinker in the lot of us. My mom foraged her way in the frontier of home education with 6 different learning styles and personalities, not all of them forgiving and certainly not all of them easy to understand or agree with.
Surviving the formidable 30 some odd years of this lifestyle, she warred through the difficulties of uncovering all of the solutions-turned-nemeses presented to parents in such a pursuit. Every next-best-thing could be the answer to child rearing or the key to blowing your family into a bajillion pieces. As a family, we encountered all levels. I know a lot of families. Families that shared our background, families as different from ours as one could imagine, and for all of the trying in every family to "do the best thing", I can honestly say for certain I have not witnessed one family get it all right yet. It certainly won't be my family.
But back to my mom. After enduring the heartache of losing some of her children to lofty and disgustingly human ideals, and some to pure physical tragedy, she is now, by and large, restored to all of her living children and each one adores her. Not without the memories of the blemishes that we all smudged the past with, as both she and we as her children have inflicted damage, but we are all here, voluntarily in happy relationship with her (and dad of course, but this is about mom).
The beautiful thing about mom is that somewhere along the way, she came to terms with the fact that failure and imperfection were unavoidable, but the one thing that she could have some control over was the impact she had on the world around her by the personal choices she makes, choices about attitudes and responses and priorities. I have watched my mom weep tears for each of my grown siblings, including myself, and know with no uncertainty that there is no length that she would go to to spare us of unnecessary suffering. Not that she would seek to shelter us from the natural consequences of our poor decisions -although I have seen her struggle with even that admission of pain to her children. But after years of pouring her life into us she still seeks ways to give of herself to make us happy.
I will always remember the indignance that my mom had at the sight of the bumper sticker On RVs that gloated "I'm spending my children's inheritance". My mom hated that attitude. She hated that idea. I love that my parents are finally financially comfortable, only through years of hard work and sacrifice on both of their parts, but I am secure in the fact that they would give up all of that comfort in a heartbeat if one of us was in jeopardy. And there is just enough Nancy Drew left in my mom that I know she has a back up plan for the whole family if this crazy world ever went bellyup.
I guess the fact that my mom shelled out $6000 and flew across the country with me for a long shot surgery that MIGHT make my life more bearable speaks volumes to me about where her priorities are. I feel loved. I feel special. I feel cared for. And although in this second maybe my brothers and sisters can't say she has done the same for them (all though most would), they know that there would be no question but that she would for them as well. And even if she didn't, for whatever reason, how could I not do the same for someone else, or any other one of us that she has helped so selflessly? Mom is the example of imperfect selflessness that I believe we all would like to become, and I am fiercely proud of her.
So I know there are no perfect moms, but I would submit, for the record, that mine is pretty dang close. Except we don't say dang.
Sent from my iPad
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Laminating and Other Joys
After an uneventful day of driving all over the county to deliver ATV trail maps, I came back to the office with one plan: lamination. There is something about laminating things that feels so... Permanent. So successful. When one uses the laminator properly. I formulated a list in my mind of all if the things I could laminate. Many things. Things that never knew they needed to be laminated. In the office we have three laminators. A teeny tiny ID card sized one, a medium regular paper sized one, and a monster map laminator that would take up the entire free corner in my bedroom. I like them all. Unfortunately, my laminating hopes were dashed when I couldn't find the sleeves for the medium sized laminator, I only had one ID card to laminate and nothing on my lamination list justified warming up the giant laminator and wasting 12 inches of plastic on either side of my page. So I have to content my self with writing, since other than taking hours of unnecessary training online, it is the only other thing I can think to do.
It's been a hard week. I've been in a lot of pain, and whether that's because we went traipsing across the world to visit mom and dad last weekend, or because I was grooming on an ATV in the cold wind and whooped out trails ("whoop" is a technical term for a dip-and-swell series of large potholes in a trail, for all you non-OHVers), or because I'm coming off of the depo shot and my body has NO idea what it's supposed to be doing now other than causing agonizing pain, I have no idea. But it sucks.
I think if I keep messing with it enough maybe my body will give up and retreat into early menopause, which I've been told is the only cure for Adnomyosis, short of hysterectomy. Of course menopause brings with it a whole new set of issues, which at present, I don't (and Josh DEFINITELY doesn't) want to deal with. All though I can't imagine the mood swings being any worse than they are now. The thought reduces josh to tears. Poor guy. He's put up with a lot. Of course in my present condition I'd like to imagine I am the one enduring abuse and suffering, but if I assume that I am no more rational now than I was the other night when I contemplated stabbing myself in the ovary to force the doctors to operate on me and figure out what's wrong, then I realize that reality is usually 180 degrees from my perspective at any given moment. So I repeat: poor Josh.
I realize that I really obliterate conciseness when I write. My sentences seem to never end. I would apologize, but I don't really see the point since I have every intention of continuing in my transgression.
I guess since I'm still getting paid right now I should go see if I can find something really big to laminate.
My surgery is 6 days away. Em says I should be basking in the blissful hope that everything will be better after it. I feel like I don't dare to hope for that much, but maybe. Just maybe.
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
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Sick Day
Today I woke up in pain. A lot of pain. Whether it was from digging 8 post holes or pounding 10 carsonite posts into the ground, or hiking around in 38 lbs of clothes to try to stay warm in the snow, or something else, I don't know. But I grudgingly rolled myself out of bed, stuffed my aching body into the first clothes I could find on the floor, put on my most comfortable running shoes that I have fantasies about running in, loaded up my coffee cup and my yogurt and headed to work. I was thinking it would get better, or even if it didn't I would just be sitting in the office publishing the newsletter, which allows for a certain level of simultaneous suffering. Instead, my temporary "supervisor" informed me I was going back out into the cold and snow, for a fun filled day of more sign building and even some trail blazing. "don't forget your saw!".
Here's the thing: I have a cool job. My job involves riding 4 wheelers (and maybe dirt bikes eventually) on some amazing trails in some of the most beautiful forest in the country. It involves building new trails, hacking limbs off of trees, pulling, cutting, digging brush, rolling logs and rocks out of the way, then spinning the tires on the quads all along the new trail to "burn it in". Who wouldn't want my job? How cool to be paid to hike, get dirty, ride ATVs and originate trail systems that will be ridden for many generations. It's an awesome job. As I sat there this morning, contemplating the pain in my lower left gut, the feeling of a serrated knife sawing slowly in a hot circle around my left ovary, I thought about hitching up a 2000 lb trailer, loading and unloading quads, lifting 70 lb (no exaggerating) steel ramps twice for each four wheeler. I'm supposed to have a 25lb limitation because of my rotator cuff injury, but far be it from me the "whimp out" or be the weak one. I thought about shoveling two feet into the rocky, frozen ground for each post, and using my burning abdomen to stabilize myself riding barely imagined trails. Ideas in the dirt and brush really. It all hurt too much. I told my "supervisor" I couldn't do it. I was sick. How do I explain to a 28 year old, micro managing, overhead ass-kissing, two faced, power hungry punk that I can't do my job because some unseen part of my female anatomy is KILLING me, and each rock that the quad crawls over feeds the hungry pain to make it stronger. All he hears from me is: "I'm sick. I can't. I'll try tomorrow." And he heaves a sigh about the mistake of hiring some old broken girl who can't keep up. Or I imagine he does. I leave with my chin up, but tears sneaking out of the corner of my eyes. I can count the number of times I've called in sick, for really being sick, on one hand. It's shameful for me. Its painful. It hurts my pride. To be weak and useless. To admit that I CAN'T do something.
The thing is, I could've. Normally, I would have. But somehow, today, I was tired. I was at the end of my ego. The bottom of my desperation to be a vital asset of the Combined Off Highway Vehicle Operations team. I guess I was over it.
Now I'm sitting on my couch. I'm still in pain. I have the fire on (don't tell josh), my heated blanket and my hound dog. My computer can't talk to the Internet for some reason, so my plans for productivity and completing gobs of homework are more or less shot. I made crisp out of the almost too far gone pears. I made granola to mix with the yogurt that I eat every day (BTW - I really think eating a dose of Greek yogurt every day is helping me feel better, less hungry, cleaner. Highly recommend). I wrote a statement for the hospital application for assistance with our oppressive ER bills from December when we racked up $8000 in debt to find out exactly NOTHING. I got my Oregon State EMT application almost put together. I guess I haven't been totally useless. But there's always this afternoon. I feel a nap and a Bones marathon creeping up like a cocker spaniel inching her way to a corner of a heated blanket.
I love that the sun is out. I am glad I overcame my pride and came home. Maybe I'll never go back.
But probably I will.
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